Elegantly Random

Cleanliness addendum.

Last month, I wrote a certain little post relating to my cleanliness (or lack thereof). Hoo-boy, did it ever start a riot! I think it's been my most contraversial post since the one in which I bashed Glee. (If you Google "Glee sucks" I'm the 9th result, hehehehe). I still stand by both posts, by the way, but I felt the need to touch base a month later and fill you in on a few things.

1) I had a lot of people send me private email, Twitter or Facebook messages confessing themselves equally or MORE dirty than I am in terms of bathroom habits.

2) This article was published on Cracked.com and I triumphed to find that bathing too much is bad for you. I knew I was a genius.

3) Several of my friends read my post and then took a stab at the whole not lathering up in the shower thing. I am delighted to tell you they have all told me their skin is in better shape as a result. 

4) One long-time follower of my blog and friend dating all the way back to elementary school was so disgusted by my post that she de-friended me on Facebook. At least, that's the only reason I can come up with for why she de-friended me. I was pretty freakin' miffed, but have gotten over it. I've been de-friended over my posts before, and it's always kind of like a slap in the face to think someone I know was so deeply offended...but what can you do? The most scathing part of her comment? "...more than anything, I can't believe you'd post this on a public blog and FB profile with hundreds of people. You never know when an employer could be reading your stuff. Some things are best left off the Internet."

Even though only a handful of people commented on the post itself, I had tons of messages and a huge discussion via my Facebook page, where the link was also published. Some of my favorite comments:

"I am roughly as "dirty" as you and I virtually never get sick. I like to think my immune system enjoys the workout. I think George Carlin would agree:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEyVvM4sTUc"

"I had NO IDEA people flush public toilets with their feet. XD Wow!"

"I've been wearing the same pajamas and haven't showered in 2 days. (I'm kind of sick, I have an excuse, but still.) I've never foot-flushed before either... I must be living in a cave because I had NO idea people did that!"

Well, I guess no one can call my blog boring, eh?

The allure of Jane Austen

I have a thing for Jane Austen. I don't know exactly when it started, but I'm pretty sure it was in college, because I never had to read her in school. I am 90% sure I discovered her as a result of the 1996 version of Emma starring Gwyneth Paltrow, which I saw my sophomore year of college and loved. Of course, I'd seen Clueless when it came out, and watching Emma I realized just exactly how clever the Alicia Silverstone film was (I guess I came to that backwards, eh?) and was hooked. (Interestingly, I had the same experience with Virginia Woolf - hated her, until I read The Hours by Michael Cunningham and realized that Mrs. Dalloway is genius).

Here's Gwyneth as Emma - isn't she pretty?

I loved everything about Emma. I loved how inherently selfish and flawed she was, but ultimately still entirely lovable. Kind of like a lot of real-life people, I thought, and in a world where most of the romcoms shoved down our throats involve people who are way too inconceivably perfect, this was delightful to me. A heroine I could identify with! I was hooked and started reading The Janes.

With the exception of Mansfield Park, which I despise due to its completely dull doormat of a leading lady, Fanny Price, I am a lover of the entire Jane Austen library. I own all of the books, and multiple copies of some. I read them on my Kindle here and there just because they bring me joy. Lots of people find Regency and Victorian-era literature dry and boring, but I'd argue that Jane Austen is more the chick lit of her time, and what she has to say about the social constraints for women in the 1800s I think is interesting and important and worth reflecting over.

Since I love Jane Austen and have read all the books multiple times, it stands to reason I've also seen countless film and television adaptations of the stories. And with a very busy travel month for Jay, and Colin Firth's likely upcoming Academy Award win, I thought this would be a swell time to re-watch the awesome Pride and Prejudice miniseries starring Firth and Jennifer Ehle. Have you seen it? You really should.

Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy - smashing!

For those who don't know, Pride and Prejudice is the tale of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, one being prejudiced and the other prideful, as the title might suggest, and, as with all Austen tales, how they eventually get over themselves and fall in love. And along the way, it remarks on the social and financial implications for unmarried women and their families in Regency England. Good times. 

Clearly, I'm not the only person out there who loves her some Jane, because people just seem to keep making and remaking these stories into films. Just a few years ago there was a fancy schmancy remake of Pride and Prejudice starring Matthew McFayden and Keira Knightley, and it's definitely not as detailed and book-accurate as the 5 hour miniseries, but it's still quite lovely. And you should watch it, too, because really, one can never really have enough Mr. Darcy.

Matty McFayden Darcy - nom!

So, watching the miniseries for the past couple of nights with knitting and a good glass of Chianti, I found myself falling in love with it all over again. I thought, man, these stories just hold up SO well, don't they? People just love them some Jane Austen! But it's more than the good stories, isn't it? The Austen recipe also includes a certain swoony look that we ladies just can't seem to get enough of. The empire waist gowns! The frilly cravats! The coats with tails! The shaggy sideburns and moppish hair! I started thinking about how much I love all of this, and why can't we bring it back now? Who wouldn't want a boyfriend who looked like Jeremy Northam's Mr. Knightley in Emma? 

Mmmm...Mr. Knightley...

And then, when I found that picture, I realized something. We DO still want that look. ALL OVER THE PLACE. Because you know why? Because this is the original MCDREAMY, my friends. Behold.

You see? You see there? McDreamy = Mr. Knightley, sans cravat. QUICK! Call the costume department! Someone get some lace on those scrubs! But what's that you say? Dr. McDreamy's not really your type? You prefer something more along the lines of cold and undead? BEHOLD!

You see?! Edward = Mr. Knightley! Oh, this is a fun game. Good times, good times. And the fun doesn't stop there. You start Googling and you will find oodles of man-candy rockin' the Regency locks, my friends. Paul Wesley (The Vampire Diaries' Stefan), Scott Speedman (Felicity), and Jake Gyllenhaal have all rocked this look, to name a few. Hell, Hugh Grant has been making this look his bitch for 20 years now!

I think this is evidence that Jane Austen's legacy is long and strong, and not likely to fade any time soon. And it may have a little less to do with the timeless storytelling than we might like to admit, and more to do with the fact that all humans with vaginas find Mr. Knightley hair to be, in a word, McDreamy. The end.

Buffy revisited.

Lately, I've been spending a ton of time making yarn - which is a whole other story for another post at a later date. But yes, I spin yarn - on a spinning wheel! The antiquity! The novelty of it all! And can you believe it - people have been paying me to do it. A reasonable number of people, too. So I've been busy spinning straw into gold - or fiber into yarn, take your pick. And it's sort of awesome, aside from the lower back pain I've been fighting off.

One of the perks to this moneymaking venture is that I get to listen to NPR or music or watch movies or whatever while I work. Background noise. My favorite type of background noise? TV shows on DVD. I already re-watched Grey's Anatomy (don't you judge me) and the other day I was in the market for something new, having caught up on all the season finales for the year. And then it hit me - BUFFY! We own all seven seasons, and I have only watched them one time ever.

So...in went the Season 1 DVD. And golly gee, folks, what a fun show it is. It's campy. It's hilarious. It's witty. It's BUFFY! If you've never watched the show, you're probably rolling your eyes right about now, but hold your comments, folks. I realize the market is over-saturated with vamps these days, but Buffy is a gem. Unlike Twilight and today's vampire sagas, Buffy actually featured violent slaying of both humans and vamps, along with every other demon and monster you could think of, and with humor! Teachers who turn into praying mantises! Classmates who have demon-killing puppets! Boyfriends who turn out to be werewolves and vampires! Who actually fight, rather than just sparkling and brooding! It's good stuff.

And there's Angel, which is a pretty good reason to tune in. Mmmm...David Boreanaz...

 

But I'd have to say that my favorite thing about Buffy, and believe me, there are MANY reasons to love the show (SPIKE!), is the HELLMOUTH! For those of you who don't know, in the first few episodes of the show you learn that Sunnydale (the town Buffy calls home) is located directly on top of a HELLMOUTH that threatens to open up at any minute. And this HELLMOUTH is surrounded by tons of mystical and magical energy and paranormal activity. So basically, this simple little plot device suffices to explain every single element of the show going forward. Your local fraternity worships a lizard beast? HELLMOUTH! Your girlfriend is an Inca mummy come back from the dead? HELLMOUTH! It's Halloween and everyone is turning into their costume characters? HELL to the MOUTH, people! There's nothing you can't explain when you've got a hellmouth to work with.

It's a plot device so genius, I really wonder why more shows don't use it. Not just shows, but people, in everyday life. You know, I'm sitting here in Seattle right down the road from a giant, enormous volcano (Mt. Rainier), one in a SERIES of active volcanoes - so you might say I, too, sit atop a hellmouth of my very own! What about you? Surely you've got SOMETHING to call your own hellmouth! Something to explain all the evil in your midst!

No?

Well, then I'll just have to hope you've got a vampire boyfriend as hot as David Boreanaz. Mmmm...DavidBoreanaz....

 

"You smell pretteh..."

My hero.

Howdy, y'all! It's 2010! I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year. I spent a great evening with some close friends, grabbing an awesome Thai dinner and then hanging out at their house with a small group. It was the same group as last year, come to think of it, and another lovely midnight experience. We jokingly called it Sedated New Years, as this couple has a small child and another on the way - but it wasn't as sedated as you might think (judging by the amount of champagne and red wine I consumed).

A highlight of the evening came when my pal Jason and I discovered our mutual love for the 1993 film Rudy, the greatest sports movie of all TIME. And don't even argue with me - it's the greatest because it's MORE than just a sports film. It's a sports film for the everyman, an homage to hard work and heart. It's the greatest. And don'tyouarguewithme!

So register our horror and shock at the discovery that two of our party of six had NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE. Never seen Rudy? How is this even possible? It's probably on teevee as often as Roadhouse. So Jason and I definitely acted out the highlights of the film for our friends - you'd have all been impressed when I got on the floor to imitate Rudy caring for the grounds of the Notre Dame football field.

Today was sort of a crappy day for me - and damn if I didn't come home to a phone call from Jason letting me know that Rudy is on CMT tonight - you can bet your buns I tuned right in. And you know, I got to thinking...not only is Rudy the greatest sports movie of all time (complete with one of the best soundtracks, which I have visions of figure skating an Olympic champion's routine to), but seriously, Sean Astin maybe the greatest actor of our generation.

I mean, think about it. He has starred in some of the absolute best films of my lifetime, spanning SEVERAL genres. He's loveable. He's funny. He's got a lot of heart and is capable of delivering a solid monologue. Where's the love and respeck for Sean Astin? For He Who Played Rudy?!?!

He stole our hearts as Mikey in The Goonies and proved there ARE pirate ships hidden off the coast of Oregon, full of booty, and you CAN find them and save your neighborhood from evil developers! He taught us a history lesson in Memphis Belle, the movie that made WWII bomb raids fun. He made us laugh in Encino Man, and he made us sob in The Lord of the Rings. Come on - don't tell me you've forgotten the awesome scene in The Two Towers where he talks Frodo out of giving up? And when he carries Frodo up Mount Doom in Return of the King - not to mention when he sends Frodo off on the ship to the Gray Havens? Tear jerkers all! Somebody get this kid an Oscar! Then he took one for the team in the fifth season of 24, offing himself for the greater good. Because that's what Sean Astin done - he takes one for the team - every time!And of course, most importantly of all, he taught us the value of patience, hard work and heart in Rudy. We learned there's nothing you can't do with near-obnoxious persistence and a high-quality Notre Dame jacket.

So you know what, Sean Astin? The world may not recognize your greatness, but I do. I salute you. To me, you'll always be the Rudy of the film world - the small but scrappy, gentle but great actor of your day, quietly winning while always standing on the sidelines. You stuck it out, played the game and you may not have won all the prizes but you WON MY HEART.

I've got to get me one of them special-edition DVDs of this shit right now.

You know what sucks? Glee.

Friends, I'm starting a new series on this blog - and today is the first installment. It's come to my attention that I dislike a lot of things that most people seem to love. It happens to me all the time. So here is where I'll take a stand and explain myself. Let's get started. You know what sucks? Glee.

When the show premiered after American Idol on Fox last May, I was ALL ABOUT IT. I thought the pilot was hysterical - quirky, slightly inappropriate and infectiously fun, what with all the Journey covers and the cheerfully geeky high school kids. Not to MENTION the fact that it boasted stars like Lea Michele of Broadway's Spring Awakening and Jane Lynch of Best In Show. Win.

So I, like most of my friends, spent all summer anxiously awaiting the show's fall premiere, and tuned in with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine. I'm REALLY not a huge TV person - I record everything and usually listen to it more than watch it while I'm writing or crafting. But for Glee, I actually put down my knitting to watch, and you KNOW if the knitting is down, I'm seriously into something. But something was slightly off for me. I'm not even sure what it was, but I felt ever-so-slightly let down. It wasn't as funny as I remembered. The songs were less infectious and more uncomfortable. The cast was too perky and attractive to actually be social outcasts.

Week after week, the issues I have with the show have just mounted and mounted. But I still record it and watch it when I get a chance. I think it's because I have this strange, geeky need to be up on pop culture - I really dislike it when I have no idea what people are buzzing about. It makes me feel old and out of touch (which is why I watch American Idol, a show I really kind of hate - but I just can't stand not knowing how much it sucks when everyone else is talking about it).

So I've sort of developed a love/hate relationship with Glee. I haven't stopped watching it, but the entire time it's on, things are sticking out left and right that bug me or don't work or whatever. This, by the way, is my life story. Everything popular, I find fault with. It's really snobby and pretentious, I know, AND it's really sucky because I can't just enjoy something. But there it is. Glee has disappointed me, it gets on my nerves and I'm strongly considering not watching it anymore. So I've compiled a list of the pros and cons of this show, so that we all together can weigh it.

Pros:

Jane Lynch as Sue - She is hilarious, and even though her character is one-dimensional and over-the-top, I still giggle every week. She gets all the best one-liners, and she's the most consistently entertaining part of the show.

Lea Michele as Rachel - Again - totally one-dimensional character, not sure why in the world her panties are so moist for Finn (we'll get to him) but I do love her. I love her voice, even though I'm not sure that it's really been all that well showcased on this show. There I go again! I can't stop with the fault-finding. But I do love Lea Michele, I swear!

The occasional inappropriate jokes - When I first tuned in, the reason I liked the show was that it reminded me of that awesome piece of cinema Election - full of absolutely awkward and inappropriate humor. Once in a while, it lives up to my expectations and they whip out something outstanding - like last night's episode, where Noah decided he should date Rachel because they're both Jews. Awesome.

Kurt the gay kid - This character and the actor who plays him are MADE OF WIN. I adore Kurt. The episode where he joins the football team was hands-down the best one so far.

The cast - The cast is good. Everyone on the show. Except the stuttering chick. GOD I hate her! But universally, they're well-cast and they all do a great job. I really kinda love Principal Figgins.

Cons:

Quitters - Every single week, every single episode, someone quits Glee. It is SO ANNOYING. Seriously? Every week? It's so predictable. The situation opens up, the trouble is revealed and you can count down to it - ooh! he's gonna QUIT GLEE! Like that didn't happen last week!

Terry - Will's wife Terry is so heinously annoying, and not in that "love to hate her" kind of way, either. I just hate her. I also hate her sister and her sister's family, and more than ANYTHING I hate Terry's hysterical/fake pregnancy. I hate that last night Terry and her sister persuaded a doctor to go along with their faked pregnancy scheme. That would NEVER happen. Seriously.

Implausible story lines - There are lots of shows out there with ridiculous story lines, but they're well-written so you can just suspend your disbelief and enjoy. Not so with Glee. On Glee, about every 7 minutes, Jay and I find ourselves going, "Ok, that would NEVER happen." Everything on the show is completely retarded. Terry would never be hired as a school nurse. Will would never NOT KNOW his wife wasn't pregnant - like he never sees her naked? Ever? No show choir would ever be allowed to perform most of the songs on Glee. Ever. Emma could never, ever afford her adorable wardrobe on a high school guidance counselor's salary. Taken by themselves, things like this aren't a big deal - but it's EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHOW. And the writing isn't good enough to make you forget how ridiculous it all is.

Emma & Will - This is just too much. Sure, Emma is cute and has awesome fashions. But seriously, the woman is absolutely bat-shit insane. SO, we want Will to leave his bat-shit insane wife with the fake pregnancy to take up with the bat-shit insane teacher who scrubs her pencils clean with a toothbrush and eats her lunch while wearing plastic gloves? Really?! What did Will ever do wrong to make us hate him so much that we wish this sort of insanity on him, hmm? I'm personally rooting for Kristin Chenowith to come back (and I am NOT a Kristin Chenowith fan) and for Will to run off with her instead. She may have been a drunk, but I can understand drunk. I can't understand bat-shit crazy with the fake babies and the toothbrush-scrubbing.

Emma herself - I don't like Emma. There, I said it. I wanted to. I tried. But she's so hard to feel sorry for. Dude - YOU'RE BAT SHIT CRAZY. And why, WHY would you run off with Coach Tanaka? I mean, sure it sucks you can't have Will, but that's like going from the highest mountain to the absolute rock bottom of the ocean. SERIOUSLY?! And what is UP with her accent? Hmm? I made Jay look her up online - she's from Virginia. Where in Virginia do people TALK LIKE THAT? She gets a few points for being cute, but seriously, EMMA SUCKS.

Finn & Quinn - We'll overlook the rhyming names, but these two - COME ON. Finn's character is poorly drawn and it's really, REALLY hard for me to believe that he's really stupid enough to think he knocked up his girlfriend with no actual insertion of the penis into the vagina. REALLY? I don't really have a beef with Quinn, because I think she's hot, but she's also an idiot for liking Finn better than hot, hot Noah.

The music - Yeah, I know - it's a musical show, so not liking the music is a PRETTY big issue. But the music is...well...crappy. They really teased us all with Journey, but I have yet to hear anything else that good on the show. It's mostly lame. I did like the mash-up episode but otherwise, craaap. Most of the musical numbers are so awkward that it's painful to watch them. I know most of you are not going to agree with me, but seriously - I can't get past the whole "they would never actually be allowed to sing this at a school" thing. Gold Digger? I Wanna Sex You Up? I don't think so. And WHY do they insist on making Will rap all the time? He's a great performer, and a great singer, but the rapping is just awkward. STOP WITH THE RAPPING, GLEE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. Bad signs - I've never downloaded a song and I never put down the knitting to watch the musical numbers.

Auto-tune - Wait a minute - do these kids have auto-tune in their mics? Really?! THE GLEE KIDS ARE MAGIC!

The stuttering chick - Ok, this girl bugs the crap out of me! I have known some stutterers in my day, and they DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT. Every time she does it, I just want to reach through my teevee and punch her.

The geeks who aren't geeky - Alright, MAYBE the wheel chair kid and the gay kid would get a little bit of shit from people. But there is NO EFFING WAY Rachel is getting a slushie thrown in the face. No way. She is RIDICULOUSLY hot and wears cute clothes and skimpy skirts. No way. And the "minority" girls are not geeky either. I don't buy it, not for a second. Especially not after the football guys joined the group - there's no way anyone would make fun of these kids. I went to high school, I did choir and theatre and I didn't get picked on. Neither did the guys. The end.

The incessant Fox plugs - Stop mentioning MySpace, for one. And second, it's so blatantly obvious that this entire show is just another Fox moneymaking scheme. I feel like it's all just one huuuge commercial and it detracts from my viewing pleasure.

The writing - I think all my above gripes have touched on this, but the writing, she is sub-par. The pilot was awesome. The subsequent episodes have not been.

There are probably about 17 other things about Glee that drive me up the wall, but I'm sure the list I've created will be more than enough to produce plenty of commentary and discourse, so have at it people. I welcome your comments. I'm used to not liking things that most people like, so you won't offend me. I'm pretty steadfastly convinced that Glee sucks. I could care less what happens next week. The only reason I want to keep tuning in is that I read that Jonathan Groff of Spring Awakening is coming on the show, and I love him. Damn you, Fox.

The first few signs of the apocalypse.

I think the end of the world might be approaching.

1) Tonight and tomorrow are the season finale of American Idol...and I care. And will likely vote.

2) I truly, honestly like the finalists, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, so much so that I might, for the first time ever, actually consider purchasing a record by one or both of them depending on subject matter and song quality.

3) The top two contestants were also my top two picks.

4) I can't predict who will win.

I know some of you have missed my snarky American Idol blogs over the past few years since I retired them, but the truth is, it's tough being in the minority, and over the years I've hated just about all of the popular contestants. Blake Lewis, David Cook (oh GAWD do I hate that guy), Chris Daughtry (whose band is right up there with Creed and Nickelback for most intolerable rock act ever), Kellie Pickler, Kristy Lee Cook, Brooke White, Jordin Sparks - hated them all with the fire of a thousand suns. I even hated the blind guy, people. In fact, looking back over the years, the only Idol contestants I've really thought were worth a damn were Melinda Doolittle, whose professionalism and perfectionism stunned me week after week; David Archuleta, who has the most pitch-perfect and angelic voice and should have won last season because he is totally a little High School Musical tween star; and Katherine McPhee, whose voice is like buttah. And it's exhausting for me to judge  people based on singing talent (or lack thereof) and then have people write me nasty comments and emails telling me how out to lunch I am. And frankly, I got bored with the show and didn't care anymore, since everyone knows it doesn't matter who wins because at least 7 people every year get record deals and fade out into oblivion or hover around tormenting my eardrums every time I turn on the radio.

SO. This year, Jay and I reluctantly started the season, not really wanting to watch but doing our duty as pop-culture junkies. And let's face it - I have an unshakable need to judge people. The show was horrible and boring and awkward like usual. By the time we made it to the top 12, I had no favorites. I liked Adam Lambert, but felt he was wrong for this sort of competition and better suited to Broadway. But each week he impressed me a little bit more with his absolutely DEAD ON pitch, balls-to-the-wall confidence and swagger, and impeccably applied eyeliner. Seriously, the dude is puh-rittay. He's absolutely and without a doubt the best performer of the season, and probably of the entire history of the show. I could admit that even when I found his vocals a little bit over the top. I kept saying to Jay, "Picture him fronting a rock band like Guns 'n Roses or Def Leppard" and slowly I warmed up to him. I came to really appreciate his creativity, the fact that every single performance was a surprise - it's what they talk about on the show all the time, making a song your own - but usually the contestants don't really know how to DO that.

Then he came out that one week, all shiny and clean in a suit, and stunned me with his performance of "Tracks of My Tears" - who knew he could tone it down like that? He one-upped it a couple of weeks later, showing ridiculous vocal support and control and raw emotion with his gut-wrenching performance of "Mad World" and I was sold. I couldn't find a video of his original performance of it, because it appears AI had him do a studio recording - but the live performance was just as incredible. Enjoy.

Isn't that stunning? Just for comparison, check out his performance of Black or White. It's really also worth watching just about any of the Kris or Adam videos on the Fox site.

Then there's Kris Allen, who I liked from the beginning. It took him a few weeks to really distinguish himself, though, especially while lame-o contestants Matt Giraud and Danny Gokey were still around. But Kris was always the standout of his demographic, because in addition to the great looks and guitar skills and John Mayer-esque vocals, he shared Adam's ability to bring something new to the table with each performance. Even Jay had to admit after a few weeks that some of his performances, like "She Works Hard For The Money," were way, way cooler than they should have been. There were nights when I'd say Kris was far and away the best one on the stage, and from a marketing standpoint, there's no one on the show this season or in recent history who should be as sure a hit. This guy has Jason Mraz written all over him. Here's my favorite performance so far of the season from Kris - his rendition of Kanye West's "Heartless" which was far superior to the original.

So, to sum up, several shocking revelations. I enjoyed the season, despite the dead weight of Lil Rounds, Blind Guy, Matt Giraud and several others, thanks to these two performers. I am excited for the season finale, and I really don't care which one of them wins because *gasp* I think they're both really good. I guess I'd have to give the edge and my slight preference to Adam, but it'll be interesting to see if America really will give the title to "Glambert." But I'll most likely vote for him!

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! *hangs head in shame and trudges offstage*

Dead, dead, dead.

For the past couple of weeks, Jay and I have been marathoning our way through the first two seasons of The Tudors in order to get caught up in time for the upcoming third season on Showtime. Have you seen this show? You NEED to watch it. Seriously. You will love it, regardless of how much of a history buff you are or are not. It's violent (beheadings! torture!), sexy (basically soft-core porn) and elaborate. Not to mention the hotness of the cast - I cannot think of a show with more gorgeous people on it. And they're good actors to boot. And if all that didn't sell you on it - it has Peter O'Toole! As the POPE!!! What are you waiting for?

Peter O'Toole. Is. Awesome.

I guess Peter O'Toole doesn't really convey hot steamy sex. Sorry about that.

That's better.

So anyway, we have been watching several episodes in a sitting, and then I inevitably go to bed and have nightmares about Tudor England and being forced to marry some ugly old man with an open, seeping wound and then being tossed in the Tower of London and left there with the rats. It's awesome.

One of the best things about the show is how they depict Henry's slow downward spiral into complete and utter psychosis. You know he's not a very nice guy when he unseats his wife, Catherine of Aragon, to marry Anne Boleyn, but by the end of the second season when Anne's about to get the axe, you're actually feeling sorry for her and terrified of Henry, who is clearly NUTS. Sorry for Anne Boleyn - what a concept! But you do, because the writers do a great job showing her progression as her motivations shift from family ambition to love for Henry to absolute fear and desperation.

Which brings me to my observation about Henry VIII, and I hope you'll indulge me a little Tudor history here. These women - these wives of Henry? Not so smart. As season 2 is winding down, Jane Seymour is on the scene and I'm forced to ask myself, what's wrong with this woman? She cannot be very intelligent if she doesn't experience pants-shitting terror in the presence of ol' Henry. How did these women not seem to entertain the notion that they might be, you know, dead if they married this dude? Anne of Cleves was the only one who seemed appropriately nervous about her husband, and you'll note that caution paid off for her, as Henry allowed her to live when he got sick of her.

I mean, think about it for a second. You're a princess somewhere in, say, Germany or something. And you get a phone call - or parchment scroll, or whatever - and it's from some Duke of Sorescrotum in the shire of North Bumblestump, England or what have you on behalf of Henry VIII, wanting to know if you'd be interested in getting married. To Henry. And you'll be wife number five or something. I don't know about you, but my reaction would surely not be, "Why, yes, that sounds lovely. I'll pack my things immediately." It would be more along the lines of, "Aaw, HELL no, beeyotch!" And I don't care if I had some grumbly, overambitious father who wanted me to bring power and riches to the family. I'd skip town, enter a convent - ANYTHING. I'm just sayin'.

Watch The Tudors. It rules.

That's Jane Seymour. She's gonna die. Soon.

Lost cause.

It's official. I have no soul. Why, you ask?

I hate the blind guy on American Idol.

Blind guy Scott MacIntyre on American Idol

I know, I know what you're thinking - who hates the blind guy?! What's the matter with you?! I'm sorry, folks, I can't help it. I hate him. I hate Scott MacIntyre. Hey there, Lucifer - save a seat for me over there by the roasting pit, will ya?

You may remember I used to post in-depth critiques of each week's American Idol performances. But then I got lazy and too bored to care. The show sucks, most of the people on it suck too. The only reason I watch is to mercilessly judge people. Period. And in the spirit of merciless, harsh judgment, I'll tell you why I dislike Scott MacIntyre. Because he's a gimmick.

Although it's true the kid can play the piano pretty darn well, his voice is absolutely average/crappy. And this, if I may remind you, is a singing contest. Not a blind-piano-playing contest. And like every other year, I find myself saying to myself, "Seriously? You scoured the country and these were the best singers you could find?" This kid is not a great singer. He's just blind. And that's why he's on the show.

Because American Idol is diverse! And Nigel Lithgow loves blind people! And Puerto Ricans!

Puerto Rican guy Jorge Nunez on American Idol

This show? Biggest train wreck on tv. No joke.

So yeah - I hate the blind guy, and every time he gets on stage, I get annoyed. The contemporary Christian power of hope message gets under my skin, the shifty blind guy eyes freak me out, the crazy frizzmop hair offends my senses. I can't handle him. This guy is a charity case, and he cannot get voted off quickly enough for my liking.

And yes, I'm a lost cause. No question. My soul is black with hate, and there is no God who will ever love me.

Another sign of self-loathing.

Many of you know I'm not a huge fan of television. Let me clarify - I do enjoy many serial television programs - but I don't enjoy watching them on TV. I rely solely on my DVR to bring me the shows I most enjoy. Right now, I'm ecstatic because Lost is back, but no matter how much I love the show, I can't watch it live. I let it begin recording and wait at least 15 minutes to start watching so that I can fast forward through all the commercials.

Although there are several shows I watch religiously (via my pre-recorded DVR sanity machine), I have thought many times that I could probably live without a television in my home if my husband wouldn't mind. Doubt that's happening any time soon. He doesn't watch much live television either - but he wouldn't like it if he couldn't watch the one football game a week he cares about, or the news when he needed to.

The thing is, most of the stuff on television is just sooo baaaad. I mean, BAD. Like, rots your mind, chips away at your soul BAAAAD. Unforgiveably bad. Painfully, wretchedly, terribly bad. For the most part I'm talking about reality television and ridiculous, pointless game shows and competitions, but a lot of the scripted programs are pretty stupid too.

But does that stop us - even the most cynical, snobby or elite among us - from watching it? No. No, it does not. And for all of my snobby poo-pooing of the boob tube, even I sometimes find myself flipping around through the channels I so despise, just looking for something to listen to - accompaniment for the clicking of my knitting needles (or the sounds of dying troggs and murlocs). I'll get sucked into something terrible and honestly, I hate myself a little bit each time it happens.

I mean - we all have our vices, right? At least I don't plan to watch any of the really crappiest of the crappy television programs, and I certainly never record them. But some of the awful tripe I have been known to sit through includes:

• Bridezillas. I can't help it. I HATE weddings - but there's something so jaw-droppingly fascinating about watching women lose their shit over them.
• Wife Swap. It's such fun to judge the way other families work, isn't it?
• The Real World. Even though the only thing the current version has in common with the original is the fact that they get to live in sweet houses, the 13 year old in me still sometimes caves. I think maybe I'm just hoping Eric Nies will show up.
• American Idol. SIGH. This is so humiliating to admit, because I despise it so. I have never bought an album by an Idol winner or contestant. But it is SO much fun to judge people.
• What Not To Wear. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad. But it's not exactly as good a use of time as, say, brushing up on history or foreign affairs, now is it?

So - out with it. Tell me the bad shows you watch. And I realize everyone's concept of "bad" varies. But I'm talking about the ones that you yourself cringe at and hate yourself a little bit after watching. Stuff you know is killing your brain cells, but you can't help watching anyway. Cuz it'll make me feel better.

This one was inevitable.

I don't watch SNL much anymore, and I certainly don't want to start an inter-party riot with my CRAZY LIBERAL RANTINGS, but regardless of your affiliations, this video is hysterical.