Elegantly Random

Start spreadin' the news...

I am not a sports fan, but right now I feel compelled to write a bunch of sports-related posts. Probably because we're smack-dab in the middle of football season and heading into the World Series.

My husband is a big sports fan, although the least annoying one I've ever encountered (which I'll write about some other time). He's a pretty devoted follower of the Steelers, Penguins, Penn State and, last but not at all least, the New York Yankees. Over the years, despite my lifelong nonchalance about pro sports, I've kinda grown to love the Yankees. I know that's a really polarizing thing to say - and my apologies to the Phillies fans out there (I'll deal with YOU all in another post, on another day! Look at me making all these promises for other posts!) - but they're a pretty classy team (aside from all the man-whores filling their roster - we'll get back to them) with savvy management, and my low-key sports-loving husband adores them. They sort of come with the package.

Last night during game six of the Yankees/Angels series, I found myself getting totally into it. And it dawned on me that the Yankees are brilliant. They have all kinds of gimmicks to make women like them. Classy, intelligent, attractive ladies like myself.

First and foremost, of all the sports teams I can think of, the Yankees have the best colors/uniforms/logo. I love the crisp white and blue striped outfits they wear at home and the modest gray and blue they wear on the road. Very classy.

I'm sorry, but the Browns, Steelers and Dolphins all come to mind as having some of the ugliest uniforms on the planet. Brown plus orange equals ugly, and it means that all of the die-hard Browns fans out there, God love 'em, are constantly garbed in some of the most heinous tee shirts, jerseys and hats in the world. And Steelers fashions aren't much better. I'm SO glad they have the Terrible Towel, so my husband can join in the team spirit without wearing the ugly fashions.

But the YANKEES! The Yankees have NICE-LOOKING tee shirts and jerseys that any lady would be proud to wear! And don't forget the awesome logo designed by Tiffany's - that right there is a sure-fire way to get a lady to like your team.

Also? Frank Sinatra. Complete and total genius - every time the Yankees win at home, Frank starts crooning "New York, New York" and every pair of panties in the stadium moistens - or at least gets a little sweaty. Seriously, who doesn't love Frank? All the men and women of America love Frank Sinatra. Period. Way to cap off a victory. Makes me want an Old Fashioned every time.

And, last but not least, the Yankees are a GOOD LOOKING TEAM. Lots of the baseball teams out there are, how can I put it...fugly? Unkempt? Fat? I'm at a loss for words, because I'm too busy fantasizing about the hot, hot specimens in the Yankees' lineup.

Oh, A-Rod...you hunky man-whore, you...

 

...not to be confused with this other hunky man-whore. Hey, Derek Jeter - you're not playing up to snuff, pal, so get with the program.

 

And I personally have a crush on Rivera as well.

And, as if all of that weren't reason enough to love the Yankees, when your man drags you to the game, he's not dragging you to Dallas, or Cincinnati, or New Jersey. He's dragging you to New-fuckin'-YORK! You ever meet anyone who didn't like New York? Didn't think so.

So! Let's tally: we've got hot guys wearing good-looking uniforms all set to the tunes of Frank Sinatra in the greatest city in the country. Yep. I'm sold. The Yankees are the best damn team on the planet. Look out, Philly - we've got a bunch of hot, well-dressed sluts headed to kill you!

Now let's all have a happy, peaceful and non-inflammatory World Series, shall we?

You know what sucks? Glee.

Friends, I'm starting a new series on this blog - and today is the first installment. It's come to my attention that I dislike a lot of things that most people seem to love. It happens to me all the time. So here is where I'll take a stand and explain myself. Let's get started. You know what sucks? Glee.

When the show premiered after American Idol on Fox last May, I was ALL ABOUT IT. I thought the pilot was hysterical - quirky, slightly inappropriate and infectiously fun, what with all the Journey covers and the cheerfully geeky high school kids. Not to MENTION the fact that it boasted stars like Lea Michele of Broadway's Spring Awakening and Jane Lynch of Best In Show. Win.

So I, like most of my friends, spent all summer anxiously awaiting the show's fall premiere, and tuned in with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine. I'm REALLY not a huge TV person - I record everything and usually listen to it more than watch it while I'm writing or crafting. But for Glee, I actually put down my knitting to watch, and you KNOW if the knitting is down, I'm seriously into something. But something was slightly off for me. I'm not even sure what it was, but I felt ever-so-slightly let down. It wasn't as funny as I remembered. The songs were less infectious and more uncomfortable. The cast was too perky and attractive to actually be social outcasts.

Week after week, the issues I have with the show have just mounted and mounted. But I still record it and watch it when I get a chance. I think it's because I have this strange, geeky need to be up on pop culture - I really dislike it when I have no idea what people are buzzing about. It makes me feel old and out of touch (which is why I watch American Idol, a show I really kind of hate - but I just can't stand not knowing how much it sucks when everyone else is talking about it).

So I've sort of developed a love/hate relationship with Glee. I haven't stopped watching it, but the entire time it's on, things are sticking out left and right that bug me or don't work or whatever. This, by the way, is my life story. Everything popular, I find fault with. It's really snobby and pretentious, I know, AND it's really sucky because I can't just enjoy something. But there it is. Glee has disappointed me, it gets on my nerves and I'm strongly considering not watching it anymore. So I've compiled a list of the pros and cons of this show, so that we all together can weigh it.

Pros:

Jane Lynch as Sue - She is hilarious, and even though her character is one-dimensional and over-the-top, I still giggle every week. She gets all the best one-liners, and she's the most consistently entertaining part of the show.

Lea Michele as Rachel - Again - totally one-dimensional character, not sure why in the world her panties are so moist for Finn (we'll get to him) but I do love her. I love her voice, even though I'm not sure that it's really been all that well showcased on this show. There I go again! I can't stop with the fault-finding. But I do love Lea Michele, I swear!

The occasional inappropriate jokes - When I first tuned in, the reason I liked the show was that it reminded me of that awesome piece of cinema Election - full of absolutely awkward and inappropriate humor. Once in a while, it lives up to my expectations and they whip out something outstanding - like last night's episode, where Noah decided he should date Rachel because they're both Jews. Awesome.

Kurt the gay kid - This character and the actor who plays him are MADE OF WIN. I adore Kurt. The episode where he joins the football team was hands-down the best one so far.

The cast - The cast is good. Everyone on the show. Except the stuttering chick. GOD I hate her! But universally, they're well-cast and they all do a great job. I really kinda love Principal Figgins.

Cons:

Quitters - Every single week, every single episode, someone quits Glee. It is SO ANNOYING. Seriously? Every week? It's so predictable. The situation opens up, the trouble is revealed and you can count down to it - ooh! he's gonna QUIT GLEE! Like that didn't happen last week!

Terry - Will's wife Terry is so heinously annoying, and not in that "love to hate her" kind of way, either. I just hate her. I also hate her sister and her sister's family, and more than ANYTHING I hate Terry's hysterical/fake pregnancy. I hate that last night Terry and her sister persuaded a doctor to go along with their faked pregnancy scheme. That would NEVER happen. Seriously.

Implausible story lines - There are lots of shows out there with ridiculous story lines, but they're well-written so you can just suspend your disbelief and enjoy. Not so with Glee. On Glee, about every 7 minutes, Jay and I find ourselves going, "Ok, that would NEVER happen." Everything on the show is completely retarded. Terry would never be hired as a school nurse. Will would never NOT KNOW his wife wasn't pregnant - like he never sees her naked? Ever? No show choir would ever be allowed to perform most of the songs on Glee. Ever. Emma could never, ever afford her adorable wardrobe on a high school guidance counselor's salary. Taken by themselves, things like this aren't a big deal - but it's EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHOW. And the writing isn't good enough to make you forget how ridiculous it all is.

Emma & Will - This is just too much. Sure, Emma is cute and has awesome fashions. But seriously, the woman is absolutely bat-shit insane. SO, we want Will to leave his bat-shit insane wife with the fake pregnancy to take up with the bat-shit insane teacher who scrubs her pencils clean with a toothbrush and eats her lunch while wearing plastic gloves? Really?! What did Will ever do wrong to make us hate him so much that we wish this sort of insanity on him, hmm? I'm personally rooting for Kristin Chenowith to come back (and I am NOT a Kristin Chenowith fan) and for Will to run off with her instead. She may have been a drunk, but I can understand drunk. I can't understand bat-shit crazy with the fake babies and the toothbrush-scrubbing.

Emma herself - I don't like Emma. There, I said it. I wanted to. I tried. But she's so hard to feel sorry for. Dude - YOU'RE BAT SHIT CRAZY. And why, WHY would you run off with Coach Tanaka? I mean, sure it sucks you can't have Will, but that's like going from the highest mountain to the absolute rock bottom of the ocean. SERIOUSLY?! And what is UP with her accent? Hmm? I made Jay look her up online - she's from Virginia. Where in Virginia do people TALK LIKE THAT? She gets a few points for being cute, but seriously, EMMA SUCKS.

Finn & Quinn - We'll overlook the rhyming names, but these two - COME ON. Finn's character is poorly drawn and it's really, REALLY hard for me to believe that he's really stupid enough to think he knocked up his girlfriend with no actual insertion of the penis into the vagina. REALLY? I don't really have a beef with Quinn, because I think she's hot, but she's also an idiot for liking Finn better than hot, hot Noah.

The music - Yeah, I know - it's a musical show, so not liking the music is a PRETTY big issue. But the music is...well...crappy. They really teased us all with Journey, but I have yet to hear anything else that good on the show. It's mostly lame. I did like the mash-up episode but otherwise, craaap. Most of the musical numbers are so awkward that it's painful to watch them. I know most of you are not going to agree with me, but seriously - I can't get past the whole "they would never actually be allowed to sing this at a school" thing. Gold Digger? I Wanna Sex You Up? I don't think so. And WHY do they insist on making Will rap all the time? He's a great performer, and a great singer, but the rapping is just awkward. STOP WITH THE RAPPING, GLEE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. Bad signs - I've never downloaded a song and I never put down the knitting to watch the musical numbers.

Auto-tune - Wait a minute - do these kids have auto-tune in their mics? Really?! THE GLEE KIDS ARE MAGIC!

The stuttering chick - Ok, this girl bugs the crap out of me! I have known some stutterers in my day, and they DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT. Every time she does it, I just want to reach through my teevee and punch her.

The geeks who aren't geeky - Alright, MAYBE the wheel chair kid and the gay kid would get a little bit of shit from people. But there is NO EFFING WAY Rachel is getting a slushie thrown in the face. No way. She is RIDICULOUSLY hot and wears cute clothes and skimpy skirts. No way. And the "minority" girls are not geeky either. I don't buy it, not for a second. Especially not after the football guys joined the group - there's no way anyone would make fun of these kids. I went to high school, I did choir and theatre and I didn't get picked on. Neither did the guys. The end.

The incessant Fox plugs - Stop mentioning MySpace, for one. And second, it's so blatantly obvious that this entire show is just another Fox moneymaking scheme. I feel like it's all just one huuuge commercial and it detracts from my viewing pleasure.

The writing - I think all my above gripes have touched on this, but the writing, she is sub-par. The pilot was awesome. The subsequent episodes have not been.

There are probably about 17 other things about Glee that drive me up the wall, but I'm sure the list I've created will be more than enough to produce plenty of commentary and discourse, so have at it people. I welcome your comments. I'm used to not liking things that most people like, so you won't offend me. I'm pretty steadfastly convinced that Glee sucks. I could care less what happens next week. The only reason I want to keep tuning in is that I read that Jonathan Groff of Spring Awakening is coming on the show, and I love him. Damn you, Fox.

For October: Falling in love with chicks...again.

Something beautiful has happened, friends. I like girls again.

Let me explain. Years ago, I preferred girls to boys. No, not in the sack - in my CD player. As a kid, I loved nothing more than rocking out to Debbie Gibson, Paula Abdul and Madonna. In my teenage years, my stereo was constantly cranking out the moody melodies of Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Jewel and Fiona Apple.

And then something weird happened. I started preferring the company of men. No more did my heart swoon for Liz Phair and Gwen Stefani. I put even the most aggressively badass chick rockers like Shirley Manson on the back burner and succumbed to the men in my life - Dave Matthews, who began knocking on my door when I was just 13. John Mayer. Radiohead. Pearl Jam. Beck. Coldplay. The Dandy Warhols. The White Stripes. I wanted to be surrounded with and filled up by men - and not just any men, but men who made me feel good. No more lonely nights enveloped in the Cure or Depeche Mode. Drunken fun with Cake "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps"-ing their way into my heart.

You know why? Because I was happy. And happy people don't want to listen to Tori Amos. That's just a fact. No one who's in a good mood wants to listen to "Never Is A Promise" by Fiona Apple. It's depressing. And I was bloody SICK of being depressed!

I absolutely gravitate toward male voices. When I do like female singers, it tends to be the ones with alto voices and a more retro style. I'm just not a singin' in the rafters kinda gal. But slowly, over the past four or five years, I've begun to reinstate some ladies in my life, and recently I had a realization - I like chicks again! It's kind of awesome! Nowadays, if you asked me to name my ten favorite bands or singers, about 1/3 of them would be female, and that's a big deal for me.

I think part of it is that I've really embraced my indie-rock love and opened my arms to some bands and singers you won't hear on the weekly top 40. There are a lot of awesome, quirky people making music out there if you just take the time to look for them, and I'm enjoying my newfound relationships with several chanteuses. And so I thought, what better way to celebrate fall than to share some of these awesome voices with you! So each week this October, I'll feature a favored female on this blog. Some you'll know, some you might not, but I think you'll enjoy their sometimes sultry, sometimes silly sounds.

This week, I'm loving Zooey Deschanel and She & Him, the album she made with M. Ward last year. In case you live in a box and don't know, Zooey is the fantastic and adorable actress you've seen in movies like (500) Days of Summer, Elf and All the Real Girls. And she's got a hot sister, Emily, who's on the show Bones alongside the hot, hot David Boreanaz. 

Yes, I did just put a photo of hot,hot David Boreanaz in this post for absolutely no reason. Sorry. I'll get back on topic.

Not only do I love Zooey's look and persona, I love her vocals, and She & Him is one to play in your car while you're driving about this fall, taking in the changing colors and enjoying the cooling air. You won't regret it.

"Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"

So...what did you think?

And if you haven't seen (500) Days of Summer - do it.

Hiding the God Squad.

Dude! It's September! How the heck did that happen? I have been so busy, I haven't even had time to play World of Warcraft! SAD! What will become of my awesome warlock? I've hardly had the chance to work with her! Not to mention my rogue, Wendypeff! I miss you, Wendy!

*pause for air* Wow, I'm a nerd.

Don't worry though, all's not lost. I'm still knitting.

Recently, I made an awesome discovery on Facebook - the "hide" function. You would think, since social media is a huge part of my life and my livelihood, I would have realized this capability existed much, much sooner, but I didn't. Because I now have someone working with me who is paid to pay attention to the functions of Facebook, so I just go on there with reckless abandon, clicking around with eyes wide shut, not paying much attention to the new bells and whistles that are added every day.

For those of you who, like me, are a little slow on the uptake, here's what I'm talking about. If you are looking at the news feed, and you click your mouse to the far right of a person's name in the news feed, a little button that says "Hide" will come up, and you can click it. AND HIDE THEM.

Here's what prompted me to seek out and find this awesome, life-altering function: the lord.

I don't think I'm shocking any of my readers when I inform you that I don't talk much about God, nor do I read much about God or think much about God. So, for me, one of the most irritating things about social media is how people use it for proselytizing and spreading the gospel of Jesus. I hate to pick solely on Christians here, but I have yet to see a SINGLE person post something on Facebook about Krishna, Moses, Allah or anyone other than J.C. When I do, I will come back here, edit and apologize, but I'm not holding my breath.

Note to self: I should really ask my Jewish husband why he doesn't update with posts in Hebrew, straight out of the Torah, several times a week. What gives?

I'm happy for any of my Facebook friends who feel one with their god and take joy in the spiritual, blah blah blah. Glad you've found what you're looking for. But the thing is - I'm not looking for it, and I don't much want to hear about it. I don't want to hear ten Bible verses a day. I don't want to know what you're praying for, or that you think the Lord is doing great miracles today. Does this not belong in specific groups formed for that purpose? Does it really belong in your news feed? It's one thing for a person to post the occasional update about religion, and I don't mind, but I have noticed that several of my Facebook acquaintances post Jesus-related propaganda to their news feed ten or more times a day, and I'm over it. One I can handle, ten, not so much.

And that's not even including the INVITATIONS I get from people to take the "Which Disciple Are You" quiz or become a fan of this or that church or pastor. Seriously? If you live in LA, chances are I'm not going to become a fan of your church. I don't even go to church HERE, where I LIVE. Why would I become a fan of yours all the way across the country?

So that was really starting to cause a dilemma - should I de-friend someone because they're Twittering and Facebooking incessantly about Jesus? That seems pretty...harsh, right? Sinful? Heathenish? Ok, fine, I guess it's all of the above. And I absolutely don't want a single one of my friends to feel that he or she cannot post about whatever they want to - it's a free country, and we all know how much I love to exercise my own right to freedom of speech. I've had someone de-friend me because of the liberal rants I posted, and it sucked. It made me feel terrible. I don't want to make anyone feel terrible. Isn't there a way we can co-exist here?!?!

And so I started poking around...and LO! THE ANGEL OF THE FACEBOOK APPEARED TO ME AND SAID, I GIVE YE HIDE! AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.

So NOW, whenever I reach the breaking point with the folks who really just can't seem to write about anything else other than their spiritual breakthroughs and epiphanies, I don't have to de-friend them (I never actually did that, but I was honestly considering it). I just HIDE THEM! WIN! And I'm so not the only person who's doing this - I have talked to several other people, some of whom are VERY religious Christians, who are equally sick of this stuff and have hidden friends guilty of over-the-top Jesus-posting. And it's not just religion - others I've talked to hid people when they grew tired of hearing about this that and the other thing - politics. World of Warcraft. Cooking. Sex. WHATEVER! Hiding is the new friending.

And I INVITE YOU to give it a try. If you're sick of hearing about how my latest knitting project is going, by all means, HIDE MY ASS. HIDE THE HELL OUT OF IT! I don't mind! I totally understand! Sick of my liberal views? Don't delete me - HIDE THAT SHIT! No reason we can't be friends. I seriously think the "Hide" function is a milestone in the process of bridging the gap between people of different religions and political affiliations. Why can't we all just get along? Well, now we can!

Note to self: I wonder if this post will cause people I'm connected to on Facebook to worry and begin praying for me. In their news feeds. Hmm...I'll never know - because they'll be HIDDEN! JOY!

Seersuckered!

I know, I know - I haven't been posting. I apologize! And the saddest part about that is, I am chock-full of post-worthy topics. You should see my notebook, friends - it's overflowing. At some point I need to sit down for a few hours and write. So take that under advisement - new and stimulating posts heading your way soon-ish!

But I do have something to say to you all today that really shouldn't wait regarding seersucker. This spring, I issued a ban on seersucker. I don't own much of it myself, which made that decree a lot easier. It was decided after I saw one too many douchebags wearing seersucker suits - and don't forget, all that starts waaaay sooner down South. None of that "after Memorial Day" mess for Southerners. You start the whites and seersuckers after Easter around here. So that was what did me in - seeing one too many a-holes wearing something like this:

 

Or this...

 

In addition to all the chumps running around in these pansy suits, there are the chumps who pair seersucker pants with designer polos and stuff. Barf! I can't take it. Hence - permanent ban on seersucker.

But - flaw in my master plan - I'd forgotten that I now own a very cute hand-me-down but never-worn dress that's - you guessed it - pink and white striped SEERSUCKER. And this isn't just a kinda-cute dress - it's SUPER cute. And adding to the "let's turn Sarah into Blair from The Facts of Life" cause, my husband bought me pearls for my birthday. I've never owned pearls. In college I had a strand of costume pearls I had to wear for choir concerts, and I think I wore that same fake strand in a play once, but that's IT. I'm so not a pearls kinda girl, although they're an excellent wardrobe staple.

Sorry - I'm rambling. It's all the eating out this week - there's way too much sugar in my system.

So - to sum up - today I had a baby shower at work (no, it's not for me, my womb remains completely barren and frigid, thank you very much) and I thought - hey! I'll wear that seersucker dress. And what pairs better with a striped seersucker dress and little white sweater than PEARLS? So here I am, dressed in exactly the style of the sort of person I would normally ridicule and rake over the coals for being a preppy sack of shit. I basically look like this chick:

Except I'm thinner, my sweater is smaller and I have better hair.

And you wanna know the worst part? I have had more comments today on my looks/attire/etc than I have probably had in the past 6 months - possibly the past year. What does that say about my normal attire/style, hmm? The ONE day I break all my own douchebag rules and I dress like a conservative, elegant young debutante who enjoys sailing and lawn games, everyone's suddenly in line to compliment me. It's downright depressing. I thought my simple yet quirky style was working for me, but what I feared most is true - the world loves douchebaggery.

So - pardon me while I take my leave of you - I'm off to play a lovely game of bridge while sipping a nice cocktail (just one!) with the other members of the Red Hat Society prior to the maiden voyage of my husband's new yacht.

But wait! There's more!

Oh my god. My day has been made. The folks who brought us Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (which I haven't actually read yet - saving it for the beach) have once again conspired to please me. Me specifically, of course. Because it's all about ME! But I digress.

Behold! On September 15, you can pick up your copy of Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters!

As my dear friend Cheryl put it, "Well, if a giant squid kills Willoughby, I'll be happy." Amen.

Your stupid life event.

I've been thinking a lot (and bitching a lot, frankly) about gift-giving. This may be partially because in the past 5 years I've been invited to about 15 weddings and had about 30 friends reproduce. I'm thankful to know these people and to be included in their milestone events, but the gift-giving side of things is frankly really damn stressful. I get so tired of poring over wedding and baby registries, and don't even try to tell me you don't get sick of it too. Two years from now, if they even still have the gift you gave, they're not going to remember it was from you. Same goes for anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, etc. Why must everything be so commercial, anyway?

Don't get me wrong - I really enjoy giving gifts. But the occasions for gift-giving keep increasing - faster than my bank account, frankly - and it can be really tough to keep up and stay inventive. I swear, people will think of any excuse to celebrate/give gifts. I love making handmade gifts, but not everyone appreciates the effort or enjoys the look of handmade stuff.

So when Jay found this article yesterday, I nearly peed myself giggling over it. The writer sure is cranky, but there are many valid points raised here. My favorite line: "Oh, your kid just got confirmed? Bully for him. I'm glad he's officially a righteous Christian fuckwit now. But I'm not going to bestow a gift on the kid for it. You know what his gift is? Jesus' love. Suck on that." Enjoy!

Promoting Eating Disorders Since 1892

Here's a scenario for you. Let's say you're a nice, normal sized American woman - let's say you wear a size 12, for instance - a very common size still several inches away from a plus-size. Let's say you're interested in buying a new pair of pants, so you head to the mall to scope out your options. And let's say you walk into a store only to find they don't have a single pair of pants in your size. Probably not going to put you in a big-spending kinda mood, huh?

Or let's say you want to get a job, so you again head to the mall to find gainful employment - and you duck into a shop and fill out an application but you never hear back. Then you find out another of your friends did get a call for an interview - and she's three sizes smaller than you are.

Any guesses as to which store is irritating the crap out of me this week?

Ding ding ding!!!

To tell the truth, I don't think I ever bought more than a couple of items at A&F, even in my darkest years when I was desperately seeking validation. There are several reasons for this. One: my parents didn't buy that shit for me. They bought me clothes up through the end of high school, but after that I was on my own. And the clothes they bought were a bit more sensible. Two: since I had to pay for the stuff myself, and a tee shirt cost like $35, I really couldn't afford to shop there. Three: seeing as I wasn't ever a size 2, and more accurately during my college years I was more like a 12, and seeing as A&F only stocks up to about a size 10, I had trouble finding things that fit me. And let's face it - no one wants to feel like a fatass before even trying things on. Even though I'm back down to a size 6-8, I won't shop at that store. And four (probably the most important reason): everything in the store was designed for and catered to sluts. And I'm not a slut.

In addition to offering skanky clothes designed to make women feel bad about themselves at exorbitant prices, Abercrombie & Fitch has been plagued with legal and economic troubles (gee, I wonder why). Several friends and acquaintances have worked for Abercrombie or its sister store Hollister over the years, and I've heard quite a few tales of the discrimination and racism that go on in the store. Perhaps you, too, have heard of the Abercrombie & Fitch "Look Book" - a manual that's handed out to each employee with guidelines for appearances. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Abercrombie just wants employees to maintain a cleancut, all-American look! Well, if you don't think that sounds so bad, how about Riam Dean, an A&F employee who was banished to the storeroom when her managers discovered her prosthetic arm. Or Kristen Carmichael, also exiled to the storeroom after her managers rated her face. If you go digging around online, you can find other instances of individuals who claim to have been discriminated against by the company on issues of weight, race, etc. Way to keep it classy, Abercrombie & Fitch! I guess by "cleancut" and "American" they mean "anorexic" and "slutty."

I think by now most people I know have long since given up shopping at stores like Abercrombie & Fitch - and if you haven't, shame on you. We're not the target audience anymore. We're not 16. Well, maybe a few of my readers are, but all you Gen X and early Gen Y readers should know better than to be caught dead spending your hard-earned cash at A&F or any other similar store. And yes, I will admit that I still buy jeans and the occasional loungewear at American Eagle Outfitters, but no other jeans fit me as well, and I refuse to spend more money. So there. In their defense, AE offers women's jeans up to a size 18. The Gap goes to size 20. And let's face it - American Eagle never hired people to stand in their damn doorway posing as still-life models.

So join me in my universal ban of all things related to A&F or other like-minded clothiers! And I'll keep you posted when I open my own line of clothes, TwoSixy, wherein I shall employ a Look Book that demands my employees wear clothes that fit them and accessorize with a signature eyepatch.

Remembering a legend.

As everyone knows by now, we lost Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson (!!!) this week. What a huge chunk of Gen X's childhood to lose all at once. Ed was a household name, Farrah's hair was legendary and Michael changed the face of pop music forever.

I know it's kinda crass, but I'm really only sad about Michael - as troubled as the past 15 years have been for him, I didn't see that coming. At least Ed lived to be an old man. Farrah's death put an end to a long and painful battle with cancer. But Michael Jackson's heart stopped yesterday and it shocked the world.

What makes me sad is that because Michael got SO weird in the latter part of his life - financial and legal battles that obliterated most of his wealth and rumors and allegations of child abuse and molestation - many of us who "knew him when" have forgotten his former cool factor. And younger generations don't even realize how badass he was. Sure, everyone likes his tunes still, but most would ultimately categorize him as a freak.

And yes, Michael Jackson was a weird, freakish man. But I feel sorry for him. I think his story is tragic, and I think most of his problems can be attributed to a childhood spent almost entirely in show business - he really didn't have a childhood at all. It was spent singing for people in bars and nightclubs, and then the Jackson 5 exploded to fame and all the pressure was on Michael to lead the way. That's a lot for any kid to take.

In my opinion, Michael formed unhealthy relationships with children because they represented a purity and innocence that he never was able to experience. I believe Michael went to such drastic measures to change his appearance because he didn't know who he was. Even as far back as the Bad and Thriller albums he'd had a lot of plastic surgery. By the time Dangerous came out, he no longer resembled his childhood self. In the past ten years, I think I speak for most people when I say I couldn't bear to look at him.

But regardless of his personal battles, Michael Jackson changed the face of pop music worldwide. He was one of the most gifted performers ever to walk across a stage, and 25 years later his songs and his music videos are still completely awesome and cutting edge. One of my very first memories is of my mom watching the Thriller video in our house in Michigan - I couldn't have  been more than three - and I absolutely loved the music but the monsters scared me so I would hide behind the chair and just peek out intermittently. That's my first musical memory, and it completely shaped my musical taste.

I hope that the world will join me in choosing to remember Michael for his talent and his vibrant energy as a performer and not for his dark, troubled personal life. I'm going to remember him like this:

and this:

and maybe a little bit of this:

Rest in peace, MJ.

Just say no!

It has come to my attention that Walt Disney Pictures intends to remake their 1960 classic film Swiss Family Robinson, which was a remake of a 1940 film by the same name.

Hollywood has long been out of new and inventive concepts for movies, and rather than come up with new ideas they just continue to remake and repurpose the same old movies over and over and over again - because five versions of Wuthering Heights are NOT enough! Why strain braincells to come up with new and potentially unsuccessful stories when they've got failproof material SCREAMING to be remade with Lindsay Lohan as the star?!

I am a huge fan of the 1960 SFR and I don't much care to see a remake starring the latest Disney Channel teenyboppers, thank you very much (even though I realize the old version starred Disney teenyboppers of the day, but THOSE guys weren't making sex tapes, okay? Don't crush my memories!)

So I'm going to boycott the new SFR, because let's face it - the other remakes have for the most part sucked. Lohan alone starred in 3 Disney remakes, and even though she's persona non grata these days, things are only going to go further downhill. Do you really want to see a Mary Poppins remake starring Vanessa Hudgens? Old Yeller starring Zac & Cody? Or Babes in Toyland starring Ashley Tisdale? Well, do you?! Join me in refusing to watch any SFR other than the original!

Because what if the madness doesn't just stop with Disney? We are in grave danger of a Wizard of Oz remake starring Miley Cyrus if we don't watch our backs. And I really don't think any of us want that. If anyone remakes Gone With the Wind with Katy Perry, I'm going to go postal. I'll firebomb the set, man, don't think I won't!

Katy Perry as Scarlett O'Hara