Elegantly Random

You know what sucks? Glee.

Friends, I'm starting a new series on this blog - and today is the first installment. It's come to my attention that I dislike a lot of things that most people seem to love. It happens to me all the time. So here is where I'll take a stand and explain myself. Let's get started. You know what sucks? Glee.

When the show premiered after American Idol on Fox last May, I was ALL ABOUT IT. I thought the pilot was hysterical - quirky, slightly inappropriate and infectiously fun, what with all the Journey covers and the cheerfully geeky high school kids. Not to MENTION the fact that it boasted stars like Lea Michele of Broadway's Spring Awakening and Jane Lynch of Best In Show. Win.

So I, like most of my friends, spent all summer anxiously awaiting the show's fall premiere, and tuned in with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine. I'm REALLY not a huge TV person - I record everything and usually listen to it more than watch it while I'm writing or crafting. But for Glee, I actually put down my knitting to watch, and you KNOW if the knitting is down, I'm seriously into something. But something was slightly off for me. I'm not even sure what it was, but I felt ever-so-slightly let down. It wasn't as funny as I remembered. The songs were less infectious and more uncomfortable. The cast was too perky and attractive to actually be social outcasts.

Week after week, the issues I have with the show have just mounted and mounted. But I still record it and watch it when I get a chance. I think it's because I have this strange, geeky need to be up on pop culture - I really dislike it when I have no idea what people are buzzing about. It makes me feel old and out of touch (which is why I watch American Idol, a show I really kind of hate - but I just can't stand not knowing how much it sucks when everyone else is talking about it).

So I've sort of developed a love/hate relationship with Glee. I haven't stopped watching it, but the entire time it's on, things are sticking out left and right that bug me or don't work or whatever. This, by the way, is my life story. Everything popular, I find fault with. It's really snobby and pretentious, I know, AND it's really sucky because I can't just enjoy something. But there it is. Glee has disappointed me, it gets on my nerves and I'm strongly considering not watching it anymore. So I've compiled a list of the pros and cons of this show, so that we all together can weigh it.

Pros:

Jane Lynch as Sue - She is hilarious, and even though her character is one-dimensional and over-the-top, I still giggle every week. She gets all the best one-liners, and she's the most consistently entertaining part of the show.

Lea Michele as Rachel - Again - totally one-dimensional character, not sure why in the world her panties are so moist for Finn (we'll get to him) but I do love her. I love her voice, even though I'm not sure that it's really been all that well showcased on this show. There I go again! I can't stop with the fault-finding. But I do love Lea Michele, I swear!

The occasional inappropriate jokes - When I first tuned in, the reason I liked the show was that it reminded me of that awesome piece of cinema Election - full of absolutely awkward and inappropriate humor. Once in a while, it lives up to my expectations and they whip out something outstanding - like last night's episode, where Noah decided he should date Rachel because they're both Jews. Awesome.

Kurt the gay kid - This character and the actor who plays him are MADE OF WIN. I adore Kurt. The episode where he joins the football team was hands-down the best one so far.

The cast - The cast is good. Everyone on the show. Except the stuttering chick. GOD I hate her! But universally, they're well-cast and they all do a great job. I really kinda love Principal Figgins.

Cons:

Quitters - Every single week, every single episode, someone quits Glee. It is SO ANNOYING. Seriously? Every week? It's so predictable. The situation opens up, the trouble is revealed and you can count down to it - ooh! he's gonna QUIT GLEE! Like that didn't happen last week!

Terry - Will's wife Terry is so heinously annoying, and not in that "love to hate her" kind of way, either. I just hate her. I also hate her sister and her sister's family, and more than ANYTHING I hate Terry's hysterical/fake pregnancy. I hate that last night Terry and her sister persuaded a doctor to go along with their faked pregnancy scheme. That would NEVER happen. Seriously.

Implausible story lines - There are lots of shows out there with ridiculous story lines, but they're well-written so you can just suspend your disbelief and enjoy. Not so with Glee. On Glee, about every 7 minutes, Jay and I find ourselves going, "Ok, that would NEVER happen." Everything on the show is completely retarded. Terry would never be hired as a school nurse. Will would never NOT KNOW his wife wasn't pregnant - like he never sees her naked? Ever? No show choir would ever be allowed to perform most of the songs on Glee. Ever. Emma could never, ever afford her adorable wardrobe on a high school guidance counselor's salary. Taken by themselves, things like this aren't a big deal - but it's EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHOW. And the writing isn't good enough to make you forget how ridiculous it all is.

Emma & Will - This is just too much. Sure, Emma is cute and has awesome fashions. But seriously, the woman is absolutely bat-shit insane. SO, we want Will to leave his bat-shit insane wife with the fake pregnancy to take up with the bat-shit insane teacher who scrubs her pencils clean with a toothbrush and eats her lunch while wearing plastic gloves? Really?! What did Will ever do wrong to make us hate him so much that we wish this sort of insanity on him, hmm? I'm personally rooting for Kristin Chenowith to come back (and I am NOT a Kristin Chenowith fan) and for Will to run off with her instead. She may have been a drunk, but I can understand drunk. I can't understand bat-shit crazy with the fake babies and the toothbrush-scrubbing.

Emma herself - I don't like Emma. There, I said it. I wanted to. I tried. But she's so hard to feel sorry for. Dude - YOU'RE BAT SHIT CRAZY. And why, WHY would you run off with Coach Tanaka? I mean, sure it sucks you can't have Will, but that's like going from the highest mountain to the absolute rock bottom of the ocean. SERIOUSLY?! And what is UP with her accent? Hmm? I made Jay look her up online - she's from Virginia. Where in Virginia do people TALK LIKE THAT? She gets a few points for being cute, but seriously, EMMA SUCKS.

Finn & Quinn - We'll overlook the rhyming names, but these two - COME ON. Finn's character is poorly drawn and it's really, REALLY hard for me to believe that he's really stupid enough to think he knocked up his girlfriend with no actual insertion of the penis into the vagina. REALLY? I don't really have a beef with Quinn, because I think she's hot, but she's also an idiot for liking Finn better than hot, hot Noah.

The music - Yeah, I know - it's a musical show, so not liking the music is a PRETTY big issue. But the music is...well...crappy. They really teased us all with Journey, but I have yet to hear anything else that good on the show. It's mostly lame. I did like the mash-up episode but otherwise, craaap. Most of the musical numbers are so awkward that it's painful to watch them. I know most of you are not going to agree with me, but seriously - I can't get past the whole "they would never actually be allowed to sing this at a school" thing. Gold Digger? I Wanna Sex You Up? I don't think so. And WHY do they insist on making Will rap all the time? He's a great performer, and a great singer, but the rapping is just awkward. STOP WITH THE RAPPING, GLEE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. Bad signs - I've never downloaded a song and I never put down the knitting to watch the musical numbers.

Auto-tune - Wait a minute - do these kids have auto-tune in their mics? Really?! THE GLEE KIDS ARE MAGIC!

The stuttering chick - Ok, this girl bugs the crap out of me! I have known some stutterers in my day, and they DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT. Every time she does it, I just want to reach through my teevee and punch her.

The geeks who aren't geeky - Alright, MAYBE the wheel chair kid and the gay kid would get a little bit of shit from people. But there is NO EFFING WAY Rachel is getting a slushie thrown in the face. No way. She is RIDICULOUSLY hot and wears cute clothes and skimpy skirts. No way. And the "minority" girls are not geeky either. I don't buy it, not for a second. Especially not after the football guys joined the group - there's no way anyone would make fun of these kids. I went to high school, I did choir and theatre and I didn't get picked on. Neither did the guys. The end.

The incessant Fox plugs - Stop mentioning MySpace, for one. And second, it's so blatantly obvious that this entire show is just another Fox moneymaking scheme. I feel like it's all just one huuuge commercial and it detracts from my viewing pleasure.

The writing - I think all my above gripes have touched on this, but the writing, she is sub-par. The pilot was awesome. The subsequent episodes have not been.

There are probably about 17 other things about Glee that drive me up the wall, but I'm sure the list I've created will be more than enough to produce plenty of commentary and discourse, so have at it people. I welcome your comments. I'm used to not liking things that most people like, so you won't offend me. I'm pretty steadfastly convinced that Glee sucks. I could care less what happens next week. The only reason I want to keep tuning in is that I read that Jonathan Groff of Spring Awakening is coming on the show, and I love him. Damn you, Fox.

For October: Falling in love with chicks...again.

Something beautiful has happened, friends. I like girls again.

Let me explain. Years ago, I preferred girls to boys. No, not in the sack - in my CD player. As a kid, I loved nothing more than rocking out to Debbie Gibson, Paula Abdul and Madonna. In my teenage years, my stereo was constantly cranking out the moody melodies of Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Jewel and Fiona Apple.

And then something weird happened. I started preferring the company of men. No more did my heart swoon for Liz Phair and Gwen Stefani. I put even the most aggressively badass chick rockers like Shirley Manson on the back burner and succumbed to the men in my life - Dave Matthews, who began knocking on my door when I was just 13. John Mayer. Radiohead. Pearl Jam. Beck. Coldplay. The Dandy Warhols. The White Stripes. I wanted to be surrounded with and filled up by men - and not just any men, but men who made me feel good. No more lonely nights enveloped in the Cure or Depeche Mode. Drunken fun with Cake "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps"-ing their way into my heart.

You know why? Because I was happy. And happy people don't want to listen to Tori Amos. That's just a fact. No one who's in a good mood wants to listen to "Never Is A Promise" by Fiona Apple. It's depressing. And I was bloody SICK of being depressed!

I absolutely gravitate toward male voices. When I do like female singers, it tends to be the ones with alto voices and a more retro style. I'm just not a singin' in the rafters kinda gal. But slowly, over the past four or five years, I've begun to reinstate some ladies in my life, and recently I had a realization - I like chicks again! It's kind of awesome! Nowadays, if you asked me to name my ten favorite bands or singers, about 1/3 of them would be female, and that's a big deal for me.

I think part of it is that I've really embraced my indie-rock love and opened my arms to some bands and singers you won't hear on the weekly top 40. There are a lot of awesome, quirky people making music out there if you just take the time to look for them, and I'm enjoying my newfound relationships with several chanteuses. And so I thought, what better way to celebrate fall than to share some of these awesome voices with you! So each week this October, I'll feature a favored female on this blog. Some you'll know, some you might not, but I think you'll enjoy their sometimes sultry, sometimes silly sounds.

This week, I'm loving Zooey Deschanel and She & Him, the album she made with M. Ward last year. In case you live in a box and don't know, Zooey is the fantastic and adorable actress you've seen in movies like (500) Days of Summer, Elf and All the Real Girls. And she's got a hot sister, Emily, who's on the show Bones alongside the hot, hot David Boreanaz. 

Yes, I did just put a photo of hot,hot David Boreanaz in this post for absolutely no reason. Sorry. I'll get back on topic.

Not only do I love Zooey's look and persona, I love her vocals, and She & Him is one to play in your car while you're driving about this fall, taking in the changing colors and enjoying the cooling air. You won't regret it.

"Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"

So...what did you think?

And if you haven't seen (500) Days of Summer - do it.

Remembering a legend.

As everyone knows by now, we lost Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson (!!!) this week. What a huge chunk of Gen X's childhood to lose all at once. Ed was a household name, Farrah's hair was legendary and Michael changed the face of pop music forever.

I know it's kinda crass, but I'm really only sad about Michael - as troubled as the past 15 years have been for him, I didn't see that coming. At least Ed lived to be an old man. Farrah's death put an end to a long and painful battle with cancer. But Michael Jackson's heart stopped yesterday and it shocked the world.

What makes me sad is that because Michael got SO weird in the latter part of his life - financial and legal battles that obliterated most of his wealth and rumors and allegations of child abuse and molestation - many of us who "knew him when" have forgotten his former cool factor. And younger generations don't even realize how badass he was. Sure, everyone likes his tunes still, but most would ultimately categorize him as a freak.

And yes, Michael Jackson was a weird, freakish man. But I feel sorry for him. I think his story is tragic, and I think most of his problems can be attributed to a childhood spent almost entirely in show business - he really didn't have a childhood at all. It was spent singing for people in bars and nightclubs, and then the Jackson 5 exploded to fame and all the pressure was on Michael to lead the way. That's a lot for any kid to take.

In my opinion, Michael formed unhealthy relationships with children because they represented a purity and innocence that he never was able to experience. I believe Michael went to such drastic measures to change his appearance because he didn't know who he was. Even as far back as the Bad and Thriller albums he'd had a lot of plastic surgery. By the time Dangerous came out, he no longer resembled his childhood self. In the past ten years, I think I speak for most people when I say I couldn't bear to look at him.

But regardless of his personal battles, Michael Jackson changed the face of pop music worldwide. He was one of the most gifted performers ever to walk across a stage, and 25 years later his songs and his music videos are still completely awesome and cutting edge. One of my very first memories is of my mom watching the Thriller video in our house in Michigan - I couldn't have  been more than three - and I absolutely loved the music but the monsters scared me so I would hide behind the chair and just peek out intermittently. That's my first musical memory, and it completely shaped my musical taste.

I hope that the world will join me in choosing to remember Michael for his talent and his vibrant energy as a performer and not for his dark, troubled personal life. I'm going to remember him like this:

and this:

and maybe a little bit of this:

Rest in peace, MJ.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Truth: I love musical theatre. Always have, ever since I was a little girl and I used to dance around the house with my mom's guitar case in one hand and a box suitcase in the other and sing "I Have Confidence" with Fraulein Maria in The Sound of Music. It's in my blood - I got it from my mom, who grew up doing theatre and also playing in pit orchestras and to this day is heavily involved in high school and community theatre productions in Bar Harbor. I studied dance and voice, acted in countless community theatre productions and eventually decided to make directing a focus in college.

For the past few years, I've really been bitching and moaning up a storm about the state Broadway's in. For those of us who love musical theatre AND possess the pesky traits of cynicism, elitism and a strong dose of snobbery, the offerings of the last ten years have been meager at best. It's a damn shame the way Disney bought up the place and maintains a stronghold over the entire thing. I've also had it up to here with the whole "let's take a moderately amusing film and turn it into a Broadway musical!" Thanks to that winning equation, we've been showered with an endless stream of crap that includes Shrek the Musical, Legally Blonde the Musical, The Wedding Singer the Musical, 9 to 5 the Musical, and I'm sorry but I have to also include Billy Elliot the Musical in that list of drivel. Oh, and I almost forgot - The Color Purple the Musical. Hey, Broadway! Is there ANY creativity left? Hmm? Remember when movies used to be adapted from the stage? What gives?

Everyone has their own preferences of course but I've been so crabby about Broadway that I have sort of been boycotting the recent shows. Lately, I'm trying to stock up on the cast recordings of the few that were worth a damn and at least give a listen/look to each new thing just to see what it is. Friends - this is worthy of a whole other blog, but Spring Awakening? That was some good shit. Can we get some more of that?

Now - bearing all that in mind - I have to remind myself, America does love mediocrity. So if the people want mindless, unimaginative bullshit on stage for $75/ticket, then that's what the people will get. But if you're gonna go corny, you should go all the way. For this reason, I couldn't be more amused by the idea of Rock of Ages. There's no pretense of any kind of interesting or enlightening story. A bunch of dudes got together one night, probably shitfaced, and said, "Dude...let's make a musical with 80s songs." How do I know that? My friend Andy and I had the same damn idea several years ago and drunkenly started mapping out 80s the Musical featuring such hits as Jesse's Girl and Don't Stop Believin' - we should have patented that shit! I'm cool with cheese. Just don't try to make me think it's high art.

Since 80s the Musical totally got stolen from under my very fingertips, I want to publicly share with you the awesome idea I had for a stage production. Since everyone seems to want to spend a week's salary seeing movie adaptations set to music - how about this idea? The Princess Bride the Musical.

Think about it - it's sheer genius! The possibilities are endless. It's heartwarming but funny, dramatic but corny. And just about every scene in the film is BEGGING to be turned into a musical number. Here's a rough sketch of just a few scenes - just remember, you heard it here first.

The Princess Bride
The Musical

Act I

The Princess Bride, By S. Morgenstern, Chapter One
Grandpa sets up the story for The Grandson.

Farm Boy
Buttercup, covered in filth and fleas, bosses Westley around like it's her job.

As You Wish
Westley, also covered in filth and fleas, sings of his secret longing for Buttercup, despite the fact that she is the dumbest chick in four counties.

Is This a Kissing Book?
The Grandson gets impatient with the romantic beginning to the tale.

Humperdinck
A full-company musical number introducing our wussy Prince.

Anybody Want a Peanut?
Fezzik and Inigo enjoy a rhyming banter as Vizzini prepares the ship and hauls Buttercup across the sea.

The Shreiking Eels
An orchestral interlude in which Buttercup nearly bites the big one.

The Cliffs of Insanity
Vizzini & Co drag Buttercup's prodigious ass up a very steep cliff.

Humperdinck's Tracking Song, Part 1
Humperdinck ruminates that "There was...a mighty duel!"

Humperdinck's Tracking Song, Part 2
"Someone has defeated a giant!"

Inconceivable
Vizzini narrowly avoids a nervous breakdown as he prepares a battle of wits with Westley.

Humperdinck's Tracking Song, Part 3
"Unless I am wrong...and I am never wrong...they are headed straight into the fire swamp!"

I Will Always Come For You
Buttercup and Westley are gloriously reunited, with much inuendo.

Act II

The Fire Swamp
Westley reassures Buttercup, who is moderately skeptical, that although he wouldn't want to build a summer home here, the trees are actually quite lovely.

The Six-Fingered Man
Westley IDs Count Rugen as Inigo's "six-fingered man."

I Will Always Come For You (reprise)
Buttercup remembers Westley's promise after Humperdinck promises to send his four fastest ships to find him.

Boo! (Rubbish! Filth! Slime!)
Obligatory dream sequence in which Buttercup imagines her coronation going horribly awry. A gnarly old woman spits and snarls at her for giving up Westley.

The Pit of Despair
The Albino introduces Westley to his ominous new home. A big ensemble number involving all the prisoners.

I'm Swamped
Humperdinck regretfully declines Count Rugen's invitation to Westley's first torture session. "I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it."

The Man in Black
A desperate Inigo uses his magical sword to locate Westley, his last hope for exacting his revenge against Count Rugen.

He's Only Mostly Dead
An old-school softshoe number that continually picks up the pace. Miracle Max explains Westley's predicament and he and his lunatic wife Valerie provide a pill to revive him.

The Dread Pirate Roberts
Inigo, Fezzik and Westley storm the castle and scare off the Prince's army, most of all the worthless Gatekeeper.

Mawage
The Impressive Clergymen weds Buttercup and Humperdinck...sorta.

Hello! You Keeled My Father! (Prepare to Die)
Inigo finally slays Count Rugen. Lots of dancing and impressive swordsmanship.

To the Pain!
Westley outlines Humperdinck's impending punishment.

I'll Always Come For You (Finale)
Westley and Buttercup ride off into the sunset, followed by Fezzik and Inigo, who have succumbed to their own mutual passion.

I'm telling you, kids. It's gonna be a hit. I predict at least 7 Tonys. At least. Casting ideas?

The first few signs of the apocalypse.

I think the end of the world might be approaching.

1) Tonight and tomorrow are the season finale of American Idol...and I care. And will likely vote.

2) I truly, honestly like the finalists, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, so much so that I might, for the first time ever, actually consider purchasing a record by one or both of them depending on subject matter and song quality.

3) The top two contestants were also my top two picks.

4) I can't predict who will win.

I know some of you have missed my snarky American Idol blogs over the past few years since I retired them, but the truth is, it's tough being in the minority, and over the years I've hated just about all of the popular contestants. Blake Lewis, David Cook (oh GAWD do I hate that guy), Chris Daughtry (whose band is right up there with Creed and Nickelback for most intolerable rock act ever), Kellie Pickler, Kristy Lee Cook, Brooke White, Jordin Sparks - hated them all with the fire of a thousand suns. I even hated the blind guy, people. In fact, looking back over the years, the only Idol contestants I've really thought were worth a damn were Melinda Doolittle, whose professionalism and perfectionism stunned me week after week; David Archuleta, who has the most pitch-perfect and angelic voice and should have won last season because he is totally a little High School Musical tween star; and Katherine McPhee, whose voice is like buttah. And it's exhausting for me to judge  people based on singing talent (or lack thereof) and then have people write me nasty comments and emails telling me how out to lunch I am. And frankly, I got bored with the show and didn't care anymore, since everyone knows it doesn't matter who wins because at least 7 people every year get record deals and fade out into oblivion or hover around tormenting my eardrums every time I turn on the radio.

SO. This year, Jay and I reluctantly started the season, not really wanting to watch but doing our duty as pop-culture junkies. And let's face it - I have an unshakable need to judge people. The show was horrible and boring and awkward like usual. By the time we made it to the top 12, I had no favorites. I liked Adam Lambert, but felt he was wrong for this sort of competition and better suited to Broadway. But each week he impressed me a little bit more with his absolutely DEAD ON pitch, balls-to-the-wall confidence and swagger, and impeccably applied eyeliner. Seriously, the dude is puh-rittay. He's absolutely and without a doubt the best performer of the season, and probably of the entire history of the show. I could admit that even when I found his vocals a little bit over the top. I kept saying to Jay, "Picture him fronting a rock band like Guns 'n Roses or Def Leppard" and slowly I warmed up to him. I came to really appreciate his creativity, the fact that every single performance was a surprise - it's what they talk about on the show all the time, making a song your own - but usually the contestants don't really know how to DO that.

Then he came out that one week, all shiny and clean in a suit, and stunned me with his performance of "Tracks of My Tears" - who knew he could tone it down like that? He one-upped it a couple of weeks later, showing ridiculous vocal support and control and raw emotion with his gut-wrenching performance of "Mad World" and I was sold. I couldn't find a video of his original performance of it, because it appears AI had him do a studio recording - but the live performance was just as incredible. Enjoy.

Isn't that stunning? Just for comparison, check out his performance of Black or White. It's really also worth watching just about any of the Kris or Adam videos on the Fox site.

Then there's Kris Allen, who I liked from the beginning. It took him a few weeks to really distinguish himself, though, especially while lame-o contestants Matt Giraud and Danny Gokey were still around. But Kris was always the standout of his demographic, because in addition to the great looks and guitar skills and John Mayer-esque vocals, he shared Adam's ability to bring something new to the table with each performance. Even Jay had to admit after a few weeks that some of his performances, like "She Works Hard For The Money," were way, way cooler than they should have been. There were nights when I'd say Kris was far and away the best one on the stage, and from a marketing standpoint, there's no one on the show this season or in recent history who should be as sure a hit. This guy has Jason Mraz written all over him. Here's my favorite performance so far of the season from Kris - his rendition of Kanye West's "Heartless" which was far superior to the original.

So, to sum up, several shocking revelations. I enjoyed the season, despite the dead weight of Lil Rounds, Blind Guy, Matt Giraud and several others, thanks to these two performers. I am excited for the season finale, and I really don't care which one of them wins because *gasp* I think they're both really good. I guess I'd have to give the edge and my slight preference to Adam, but it'll be interesting to see if America really will give the title to "Glambert." But I'll most likely vote for him!

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! *hangs head in shame and trudges offstage*

Consider this a warning.

Today's PSA concerns concert-going. And Coldplay. If you don't like them, that's fine and well. The particular band is irrelevant. But please refrain from leaving me comments about how much you hate them. Just pretend that this story is about a band you absolutely love.

A few years ago, shortly after the release of their album X & Y, Jay and I went to see Coldplay at Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre here in Charlotte. It was a sunny, warm Friday night in May - a perfect 70 degree day - and we had purchased lawn seats. I've always loved going to see a great concert in the summertime and sitting on the lawn with a cold drink in my hand and the stars over my head.

That is, of course, until last year, when all three of the summer concerts I attended at Verizon were nearly ruined for me by the retarded lawn-antics of frat boys and trailer trash. Dave Matthews Band? People having sex so close to me that I was in danger of getting pregnant. James Taylor? Drunken old hippies swaying to the music, flicking hot ash on me and spilling beers on my blanket. Radiohead? Overexcited wastoids making so much noise that I could barely hear the softer strains - not to mention awesome concert tees that were going for more than $60 a pop.

It was the Radiohead show that really put me over the edge. I'd wanted to see them for so long, and I felt like I only got to hear about 60% of the music. I was really kicking myself for not springing for decent seats under cover with other people who really wanted to see the band. And I realized I'm officially too old to put up with the drunks and sluts (and drunken sluts) crowding the lawn. So when we found out the Coldplay Viva la Vida tour stops in Charlotte this summer, we knew we wanted to go and I insisted that we buy ourselves seats.

And so we did. To the tune of $220.

At that price, you'd think we'd gotten front row seats, right? Wrong. These seats aren't even under cover. They're in between the lawn and the covered portion of the seating. Sure, we'll be much closer and we'll be able to hear far more than we could on the lawn, but $220? Seriously? And the worst part is, about half that fee is for parking and "handling fees."

I can't help but feel a little pissed off at Live Nation and Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre for this racket. Sure, Coldplay is probably the biggest band in the world at the moment (says just about every music writer right now), and I get that concert tours, not CDs, are what pay the bills these days. But the jacked up prices are a little bit much to take, especially in a tough economy, and what's worse is we probably need the release of going to a concert now more than ever. It just sucks because most of this $220 isn't even going to support the band (who I realize are doing juuust fine right now). I'm not angry at Jay for purchasing the tickets - I told him to get seats, and I wasn't around when he had to make a decision - but I'm really kinda salty about how much they're costing us. That's 2/3 of our normal summer concert-going budget gone already.

All I can say is, I better get to hear The Scientist. And there better not be anyone having sex in my lap.

Hope you like crap...

Some of you may recall, several eons ago, when Norm McDonald hosted Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Good times. Anyway, one Christmas he did a news segment where he discussed the new Michael Bolton Christmas album available in stores, and in that classic Norm McDonald deadpan, he looked straight at the camera and said, "Happy Birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!"

I am often reminded of that line when I hear holiday music, whether it's on the 24/7 Christmas radio stations in my car or via DirecTV, while shopping for gifts at the mall, or even walking down selected streets where tunes are piped in for my listening pleasure. Because is it just me, your neighborhood Grinch, or does most Christmas music absolutely friggin' suck?

I swear, there's something about the holidays that makes every single adult contemporary artist perk up and go "I know! I will go to the studio and in thirty minutes I will record my very own version of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) and I'll make tons of cash!" It's not a bad business model, but my God is it painful to listen to! And it's not just the old standards - there's also the super-special NEW Christmas songs that get written, recorded and sold to us all in about 3 weeks each October.

So, I'm starting a running list of the WORST holiday songs in recorded history. To get on this list, it has to be a song that a) sounds like it took under an hour to record b) will get stuck in your head and c) was potentially written, sung, played and/or recorded by drunks.

10. "Where Are You Christmas" by Faith Hill
At first listen, maybe this isn't so bad - I mean, it's cheesy as hell, but Faith Hill's luxurious tones almost fool you for a minute - until you start to realize that she probably showed up to record this wearing her pajamas and sipping a Starbucks, learned it in 5 minutes, belted it out for half an hour and then collected her enormous royalty check, then showed up for a two-hour Grinch Movie-themed video shoot and laughed all the way to the bank.

9. "My Grown-Up Christmas List" by Natalie Cole
Yes, your dad was a big deal but that doesn't mean you should be able to just do whatever you want in a recording studio for the rest of your life and that I should have to hear it. And the fact that Nat King Cole recorded some of the best Christmas tunes just makes this even more of an abomination. Cheesy lyrics brought to you courtesy of David Foster (surprise, surprise). Choice lyrics include "So here's my lifelong wish / My grown-up Christmas list / Not for myself / But for a world in need..." Ok, I have heard this song before - it was called Heal the World.

8. "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" by Celine Dion
To be fair, the original by John Lennon is a classic - although I've always thought it was a little weird that this gets played on Christmas stations. I don't think Lennon meant it as a Christmas jingle, you know? I think he'd be surprised to find that it's a popular Christmas ditty. I think he'd be even more shocked and dismayed to hear Celine Dion's "greatest singer in the world!" rendition. Make sure you have your earplugs before you get to the home stretch.

7. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney
Cheesy synthesizer? Check. Aging rock star? Check. Wings? Check. You have yourself one of the gayest Christmas songs ever recorded.

6. "Santa Baby" - the Madonna version
Y'all know I love Madge, and I'll defend her to the end. But even I have my limits, and this is it. This recording is just abysmal, and she does absolutely no justice to her vocal or acting capabilities (which are far beyond what this recording would suggest). Stick with the original classic by Eartha Kitt.

5. "The Little Drummer Boy" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
I can appreciate both of these guys in their own right, but together, they are such a super-mess I don't even know where to begin. All I know is, this pairing creeps me out more than I can express. I don't...I can't...I gotta go.

4. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Elmo Shropshire
Seriously - this is just so bad. I can't believe that anyone over the age of 9 years old would enjoy this song. But they do. And it hurts my head and heart.

3. "Last Christmas" by Wham!
So...it turns out the guys of Wham! might not like women.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

2. "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid
It's a song, sung by a charity group, for a charity. It's automatically lame. I'm sorry, but this is non-negotiable. Plus, it's ugly and after hearing even just 10 seconds, you will not be able to stop singing it. I hate this song.

1. "Christmas Shoes" by Bob Carlisle
This may in fact be my all-time-most-hated Christmas song. It's SO EFFIN' CORNY. It's the Christmas song equivalent of a chick flick. Seriously?! Who buys this crap? It's so manipulative and god-awful, I love to sing it to Jay just to get on his nerves. I think the chorus says it all:

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.

Honorable mention: Anything recorded by Gloria Estefan, Aaron Neville, Clay Aiken, Michael Bolton, Kenny G. or Mariah Carey, as well as most popular band made-up Christmas songs (see Smashing Pumpkins, No Doubt for examples).

Here are some other fun lists to check out:

Top 12 Worst Christmas Songs from Spinner.com
Worst Songs (with videos!) at mostlynothing.com

So...what are some of your most-hated Christmas tunes?

Looks sane to me.

This was Britney at the 2007 VMAs.

Need I say more? This was Britney this week on Good Morning America.

Maybe not her most high-energy performance, but she has her body back, as well as her composure. It seems too good to be true that we might have a NORMAL Britney Spears on our hands! Too bad it sounds like the situation with her dad managing her career is creepy and weird and kind of like a dictatorship, but hey - she's not in a mental hospital, she's not sucking down iced coffees all day, she's not put partying every night and driving with her kids in her lap or running off with paparazzi. And I don't have to read negative news stories about her every 3 minutes or look at pictures of her going off the deep end, so for that I say HUZZAH! Three cheers for Britney getting her shit together - or at least some of it!

Relief.

This morning, I tuned in to my favorite radio station (for music) and the lineup was so good, I couldn't help but start to hum along. For the first time in at least two months, I found I had a voice.

So then I started singing...and there it was. And I swear to you, a tear slipped out, I was so relieved.

Because I've been singing since I can remember. And performing. And music is a huge, huge part of my life. But for the past couple of months, since my horrible round of acid reflux in May, I have had virtually no singing voice. It's been a nearly constant smoker's rasp of a voice, every time I tried to sing. Sometimes I'd open my mouth and nothing would come out at all. Our choir sang concerts in May, during which I had to lip sync at least half of the pieces. I had to re-audition for choir (along with everyone else) in June and I could barely make a peep. I started the summer by putting myself on vocal rest - far less talking. No singing. Period.

At times, I really thought I wasn't going to be able to sing anymore.

Because the thing with reflux is, stomach acid flings itself up into your esophagus, burning the lining and even the bottom of your vocal cords. It feels like you have phlegm in your throat most of the time. It's bad. So those five weeks when I didn't take medicine, all kinds of damage was done to my insides.

My voice is still not perfect, and I know I'm still going to have bad days and I'm going to have to be careful. But at least it's still there. And for a while, I was beginning to wonder.

Like, what's a cassette tape?

The other night, I was watching the Top 100 Songs of the 1980's countdown on VH1 (good background noise for a knitting addict). I was nearly swept away on a giant wave of nostalgia as the glorious sounds of A-Ha, the B-52s, Twisted Sister and Madonna filled my ears. Oh, heavenly electronica and hair band euphoria! Take me away! Check out the top 20 here.

For every generation, there's a socially accepted token of teenage affection. For the baby boomers, it was "being pinned" and wearing varsity jackets and class rings. When we Gen X-ers liked a guy or a girl and were thinking awkward, hormonal thoughts about him or her...what did we do? Duh - we made a personalized mixed tape with all the best songs, complete with hand-written dedications and sometimes even voiced-in messages in between songs and always, always with a few carefully selected ballads that would let him/her know that we were pining away. And the song choices! You had Purple Rain and Don't Stop Believin' and You Shook Me All Night Long and Time After Time. In the 90s we had Boyz II Men and Bryan Adams and Milli Vanilla and Paula Abdul to help us express our love. Those were the days. And as if the songs weren't enough - you had music videos! That were actually shown on television!

When I was between the ages of 10 and 18, if a guy handed me a mix tape I just about swooned right there at my locker. Today, I don't think kids make mix tapes. If a girl wants to let a guy know she's into him, she just gives him a blow job. Even if she's only 12. Which is really scary and I don't even want to talk about it.

So I got to wondering - do kids these days have anything like that? I don't think kids even use CDs that much anymore. Do they make iPod playlists for their sweeties? What do you do when you have a crush (aside from handjobs and simulated, pants-on sex)? And if you did make a "mixed tape" for your crush now, I shudder to think of the songs it might include. Go ahead, cry for the youth of America and the loss of innocence, because even if they did desire to make an awesome mixed tape, it would probably just be full of The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus and NeYo and Good Charlotte and American Idol rejects. *tear*