Brace yourselves...I watched The Notebook.

Up for mockery and debate today: my missing girly gene.

For a long time now I've known that I simply do not have the same agenda when it comes to entertainment as most Americans. Lots of people turn to books, movies and music for sheer escapism - to be taken out of their daily lives and whisked away to places where things are prettier, easier, more romantic, more exciting, and much more neatly wrapped than "the real world." Most people don't care if a movie makes sense, or is realistic or plausible, so long as it's entertaining. 

For me, the exact opposite is true. It's true that I like to be entertained, and I like to escape from my life for a bit when I read a book or watch a film. But because I'm a very analytical person, and because I'm also an extremely critical person, my ability to do this relies heavily on how well-crafted the story is. If dialogue is clunky, if plot points are cliche and predictable, or not possible, it distracts me from the story. It's not enough for me to just be told a story by pretty people, or with pretty elements. The story has to be interesting and also well-told or I'll become too focused on the glitches to enjoy the total package. This is true even in the sense of a fantasy story. While in the case of fantasy I can accept the impossible as possible, it still has to make some semblance of sense - there has to be order in the prescribed "reality" of the story, and it has to be well-told. Good examples? Inception, Lord of the Rings.

Now, I realize that a lot of this is objective, because taste in music and film and such always is. But nevertheless, I'm a huge movie/lit/tv/music snob. Although I have guilty pleasures like anyone else in the world (BRITNEY SPEARS!), I usually can't enjoy something that's not technically solid. I can't get lost in the vocal stylings of Christina Aguilera, because I'm too aware of the way she's grinding and damaging her vocal chords. I get distracted watching movies like 27 Dresses because there's no way Katherine Heigl's character could ever afford that apartment, or that wardrobe. And I can't get lost in the romance of a film like Twilight, because I'm too busy snickering at the dialogue and the cheesy, poorly executed special effects. Essentially, I really suck at suspending disbelief unless the thing I'm engaged in is so good I forget to think.

This makes it infinitely hard to talk to people about entertainment. Because I'm always that girl who doesn't like what everyone else likes. You don't know how many times I've been the rain on the "I love Glee" or the "Isn't The Hangover the funniest movie you've ever seen?!" parade. It's tiring, not liking the things normal people like. I say this with great sincerity - sometimes, I really, really wish I liked the things everyone else likes. But I'm a slave to Rottentomatoes.com - and worse, I tend to agree. 

In addition to this problem of being an epic entertainment snob, I think it's also important to note that I'm not girly in terms of the kind of books and movies I like to read. It's probably not shocking, since I'm also not into weddings or naming my future children. Note: This is not a slam on those who do enjoy weddings, chick lit or pre-birth baby naming. This isn't to say I don't like romance - I do. But I'm going to choose Sense and Sensibility or Atonement over your standard chick lit. This is also really lonely, because I can't go to the movies with a group of girlfriends who want to see something like He's Just Not That Into You, or The Last Song, because there's no way I can sit through it without adding my own personal Mystery Science Theater wisecrack track.

So, hilariously, a few years ago while living in North Carolina, I got tired of not liking what every other girl I knew liked. It's exhausting, man! So I was persuaded by a coworker to try reading a Nicholas Sparks book, because everyone loves Nicholas Sparks. And despite my disinterest in chick lit, I am interested in pop culture, so I thought, why not? I'll give it a whirl. If everyone else likes this, surely there's something about it that's good, yes? So I picked up a copy of The Notebook from my local library and read it in a couple of sittings. And I absolutely, positively loathed it. When I got to the super-sappy, emotional ending, I famously - and somewhat violently - chucked the hardcover book across my bedroom, and the thud it made as it collided with the wall woke my husband up. He still laughs about this.

So for years, I've been hearing about how the film adaptation of The Notebook is great, and even though I hated the book, I would probably enjoy it because it's so much better. I've been dubious about this, even though I do admit that I like the starring actors, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, quite a bit. But I just hated the book so much, I couldn't do it. Until last week. I'm not even sure what motivated me to want to see it, aside from the fact that periodically I do like to try and force myself to like the things everyone else likes. I tried to watch Glee, and I read the Twilight books (and disliked all of it). For whatever reason, I decided I would Netflix The Notebook and give it a whirl. If nothing else, I thought, it'll be a chance to sort of get people into my headspace in terms of how I think about these movies. So they can see the crazy in action.

And ladies, I tried. I really did. I know that most of you out there in the world love this movie, and cried buckets over it, so I REALLY attempted to get into it. And you know, Rachel and Ryan are so likeable and so good-looking and have such fabulous chemistry that I nearly did manage to enjoy the movie. Nearly. I'll say this - in the hands of a less likeable pair, I think this movie would have been nigh unwatchable, but those two got me through it.

I'm going to share with you the notes I took during the movie, so you can see the sheer madness that goes through my mind when I watch something like this. No, I don't always take notes, but had I watched this with a friend or my husband, I would have said all of this and more out loud. There would have been pausing to rant approximately every 10 minutes. I hope this is not offensive to all of you Notebook-lovers out there. Believe me when I say, I would rather be on your side of the line than mine.

 

The Notebook, aka Love & Alzheimers (warning: spoilers and profanity)

• Ryan and Rachel are the hottest couple ever. So the movie wins in that regard.
• Rachel's life blows. Ah, the classic fancy-pants rich girl with no say in her life falls for the rough and tumble but fun and big-spirited poor guy. We haven't seen THIS 9 million times. "But DAD, he dangled from a FERRIS WHEEL FOR ME! And then we lay in the street together!"
• I can't help feeling like the real-life version of this story is called Blue Valentine.
• "It was an improbable romance." Um, no, James Garner. It's totally and completely probable. Let's play "see how many movies you can name in which the rich girl falls in love with the guy from the wrong side of the tracks." Titanic, anyone? Shakespeare in Love. Wuthering Heights. Roman Holiday. Dirty Dancing. A Knight's Tale. Cocktail. King Kong? (I slay me). I'm not saying it's not a winning formula, but it is most certainly probable.
• Ohmygod. DADDY'S MOUSTACHE! There is no way I can take Rachel's parents seriously from this moment forward. BAHAHAHA.

• So, basically what happened here is this. Nicholas Sparks watched Titanic and then moved the action to the south.
• If it's summer in Charleston, why the hell are they wearing coats and hats? And why can I see their breath?!?!?!
• Allie's bathing suit/headgear just made me choke on my wine. You're a bird, I'm a bird, we're all birds. Drunk birds.

• The fight with parents/breakup scene started off great but then totally fizzled into hysterical cliche land.
• Am I the only one who finds the elderly version of them cheesy? and did anyone really not know it was them as old people? This is a legit question. Had I not read the book, as an audience member, am I to be surprised later on when it's revealed that these two are grown-up Ryan and Rachel? Also, do these two look ANYTHING like Ryan and Rachel? I do not accept these old people!
• If you need a stone cold bitch, hire Joan Allen!
• Wartime cheeeeese. Did we really need the 2-second shot of Ryan Gosling at war? I guess we are supposed to see his sadness at losing his best pal, but that guy was only in the movie for about 2 minutes anyway, so I'm left feeling a little bit manipulated.
• MARSDEN!!! I LOVE THIS DUDE! but isn't this yet another stretch that she meets a fabulously wealthy guy on his sickbed? If it's not a stretch, I clearly should have spent a lot less time working a job and more time as a volunteer hospital nurse. MARSDEN! That's it, I choose Lon. He's Marsden AND he's got cash.

• Um, Allie? You used to be cool.
• Restore the house and Allie will come back. Hmmm. Using her super-special lovers' ESPN, she will know that you have fixed up this house.
• Hey Noah. Don't knock this hussy up.
• Sure dementia is irreversible, but not for THESE TWO.
• The kids don't wanna deal with mom's demented ass! Yay, humanity! But bad writing - this scene gives away that Noah and Allie end up together, and she doesn't end up with Marsden. So I ask you - at this point, why should I continue to watch this movie?
• RAIN IS FUNNY!!!!!! Has anyone else noticed that this is at least the 3rd time, if not the 4th, in this film that Rachel has jumped up into Noah's arms and wrapped her legs around him? Do people really do this? Or is this just part of the 1940s mating ritual? Can I find info on this in some archive somewhere?

• And then there's sex!!!!! Long-awaited sex. Could we get some more light on these two? Ryan's abs are about the only thing getting me through this movie. 
• Dinner with Martha - awkward. Good-BYE, Martha! Also awkward - Allie's enormous ring. You'd think she could maybe take that off while she's shacked up with Noah.
• Aw, see that? he made her a room for painting and her fiance didn't even know she paints. Nifty! Because he gets her!!!!!!!
• Ohhhh riiiight. Mom has her own regrets, projects her unhappiness onto her kid...good. Very clever. Well played, Joan!
• This Allie is a slow, slow learner.
• FUCKIN' MARSDEN! this guuuy! Way to love Allie even though she spread it for another dude. Marsden, I will be your fiance. 
• Yes, crazy old Gena Rowlands. it was you. You're Allie. Genius. Gaaaaaaaaaawd. Gena, you deserve better. 
• Dude. This movie just took a totally messed up turn. Yowza. Now I'm remembering why I tossed the book across the room.
• Way to kill Old-Noah's ass with your incessant memory loss, Allie. Sheesh. But this is a Sparksian tale, so we still need our money Jesus/miracle moment. Wait for it...wait for it....
• This is about where I start feeling like an asshole, because I'm supposed to be touched, and in theory I am...but I'm too busy rolling my eyes at the crap-tastic dialogue. I have issues.
• THEY DID IT! THEIR LOVE TOOK THEM AWAY TOGETHER! HUZZAH! This is gonna be tough on their kids, man. Hey, writers! Nice touch, killing both of them together instead of leaving Noah old and single. I guess this means you won't be making The Wedding (Notebook sequel). Waiting for the icy Atlantic waters to come swishing up around their deathbed...

• Somewhere, Christopher Reeves is shaking his fist from the grave, wondering why the end of HIS tragic romance movie didn't turn out with a dual death ending (Somewhere in Time).

So, friends...that was my movie watching experience. Nary a tear was shed. Fortunately, I didn't throw my DVD player across the room. This is what happens when I watch these movies. This is why I don't do Nicholas Sparks. Period. There is something the matter with me. Who has a cure for this stone cold heart of mine?

Some movies that do make me cry EVERY TIME, withouth fail, which may or may not be ridiculous: Finding Nemo. In America. Dead Poets Society. E.T. The Neverending Story. Rudy. How about you? Which stories make you cry? Which books or shows does everyone love while you hate?

Comments

[Cheryl]

Ok, I'm still giggling. And I actually enjoyed this movie. I paid to see it in the theater and cried like a small child. Am I proud of this? No, but I'm very susceptible to movie emotional manipulation.

But even through my tears, I could that the story was total bullshit. My biggest pet peeve is the wardrobe in the movie. I refuse to believe a good rich girl in the late 1930s would be allowed to prance around a southern town in what amount to high waisted booty shorts. REFUSE.

[Limejuicy]

I'm putting this movie on my must not see list, right next to Titanic.

what makes me cry? weight loss shows and Intervention. WTF is wrong with me?

[Amanda]

We may not agree about bathroom practices, you dirty bird, but we can agree on movies. I'm a stone cold bitch with no love of chick flicks or chick lit. Waste of my time and I do not get the point. I'm very, very picky about my entertainment.

[Heather]

aah, how I love The Neverending Story.

[Leslie]

Great blog, Sarah :-) I must say, however, that if you dislike cliché and actually read, then WATCHED a Nicholas Sparks story, you were screwed before you started.

[irishgirlieknits]

And this is why I love you (says a girl who does love the Notebook, but probably more because of that kiss in the rain scene with Ryan Gosling!)! I think I would quite like going to the movies and giggling at your snarky, I can't suspend disbelief, comments!

Personally, I'm in between you and the girls who think The Hangover is the best comedy ever. I'm mostly an entertainment snob, BUT also a romantic at heart and I think that's where the notebook and twilight get me (seriously wanted to poke my eyes out reading the last book!)! Chick lit is Bridget Jones....not all the other stuff that came after...that I can't read!

Great, great post!!

ps when I saw you tweet that you were going to watch the Notebook, I felt for the pain that I suspected you would suffer by watching it :)

pps Rudy always makes me cry :) But then so does that scene in the rain with Ryan :)

[Jen]

Toy Story 3..Every.Single.Time.

[Jim Beam]

The Shawshank Redemption. How could anyone get to the third act of that masterpiece and not feel "moved?" Please, Sarie - tell me you're not that cynical.

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